So, at the start of this whole let’s-travel-the-world-and-live-out-of-a-tiny-suitcase thing, I didn’t really give a lot of thought to what would actually go IN the damn suitcase. I figured I’d just throw some shit in there and it would be fine.
As the date of my indefinite nomadism approached, I started to think that maybe I should give it a little more thought. So I did, I thought about it. And as soon as I realized all the things I wouldn’t have room for, I started freaking the fuck out.
Mid-freak out, I called a friend of mine, an awesome chick who has done quite a lot of backpacking herself, and started yelling. And she was all trying to give me real suggestions, because she’s nice and helpful and normal, but I just kept screaming things like “BUT WHICH BRAS SHOULD I BRING?” and “HOW MANY TAMPONS ARE TOO MANY?” and “DO I OR DO I NOT BRING A VIBRATOR?”
My friend (or at least she used to be my friend- more on that in a second) paused thoughtfully and was all, “I’d say no. I mean, what if you wind up in some weirdly embarrassing airport security situation? Wouldn’t you rather just have room for another pair of pants?”
Looking back, this should have been the precise moment at which I stopped taking her seriously, or at least questioned the size of her vagina, because really? if her experience with vibrators is that they’re the SAME SIZE AS A ROLLED UP PAIR OF JEANS, maybe that’s something she should see someone about. But I didn’t question it. I accepted her advice as some sort of travel gospel and I took off on my trip, sans sex toys.
And now, 41 days into my adventure of sleeping on other people’s couches, I’ve come to the conclusion that my friend is a big slutty slut who slutted her way through all past backpacking adventures and therefore had no need for sex toys. Or she’s totally asexual. Or she’s boring and just uses her fingers all the time. Or she has done some very naughty things with other people’s shower heads. Or she has no problem being out at a bar in a new city and being all, “So… do you want to come back to my… couch?”
Either way, I’m pretty sure I can’t be her friend anymore for the sheer reason that she gives horrible advice. So my new plan is to post all important masturbation related questions on Twitter. Because maybe then I’ll get some REAL answers. And Babeland will ask me to write a column about my nomadic vagina and sex on the road. And everything will be right in the world.
PS- If you have agreed to let me sleep on your couch sometime in the next few months, please entirely ignore this post. Or tell me about your hot cousin.
PPS- I’m kidding!
PPPS- Mostly…
Posted in: girl gone nomad, the vagina monoblogs, wtf?!
{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
gfw, chapters 1 through 4.
that is all.
Always bring a vibrator! Once they hear you on their couch, they can be enlightened!
You know I've seriously thought about writing this post myself and been too embarrassed! Glad you did. The key is to take the batteries out of the vibrator before you pack it… that solves the spontaneous airport vibration bit.
But even if you bring it along, how do you find the privacy??
These questions NEED answers.
LOL It's always those odd little logistical items that slip our minds isn't it?
Where were we before twitter?
Switch the way the battery faces.
I can't even come up with a witty remark for this post other than once again, it's hysterical. And true. I never would have thought of this when packing for my trip cross country (as if I have one). Let us know how you find an answer to this conundrum! =)
Always come prepared.
best post ever!
Wait, a) were you and Chelsea in NYC over the weekend, because if so, I just got back last night and may cry myself to sleep with the knowledge that all three of us were in the SAME CITY at the SAME TIME.
And b) if you couchhop your way to SF, I'll not only loan you my sex toys (um, ew?) but give you a real bed and bathroom all of your own in which to crash =)
Bahaha amazing. Answers are needed.
I'm also living on people's couches right now, and this question definitley needs answered!!
Fingers are underrated.
sooo I thought you should know about slumberparties.com
they have something called the Bullet and it's tiny but does the job! I'd recommend stick with the original 
One of my couch surfing experiences was definitely w/ a swinger couple. Just saying…
it just means it's time to invest in a new toy. there's gotta be a hustler store somewhere right? wait is that even where you get vibrators? clearly i know nothing on this subject.
This CRACKED me up. Thanks for that! Hope you figure out the whole sex toy situation soon!
LOVE.THIS.POST.
And I bet she used the shower heads… Oh and if you need an excuse? "Oh I was shaving my legs…."
Wow, a vibrator the size of a rolled up pair of pants? Yeah, I got nothin…
Maybe like, one of those pairs of yoga pants that are really thin? No, no that still seems like a problematically huge vibrator. What city are you in right now? Just go to babeland and get one of those little discrete ones that use just regular buy-them-anywhere batteries.
Egg vibrator in a water-resistant cover. Can be used discreetly, y'know, anywhere.
Including on someone's hot cousin on the couch, now that I think about it.
I had an awkward airport security vibrator moment, actually. And let me tell you, I would take the awkward over not having a vibrator any day. TOTALLY WORTH IT.
Also, once I forgot it at my house in Chicago when I came back to school and I made my best friend get it from my house and mail it to me secretly.
OH god. I'm completely dying about the jeans being the same size as your vibrator.
Maybe a pair of capris, but definitely not jeans.
Damn, too bad we missed that brunch/demonstration thing at Babeland.
Sad face
Oh my FUCKING GAWD! You are my new fave blogger- SERIOUSLY! lol
Thank god for blogs because I've never heard this serious travel issue come up from the women at the hostels!
When I spent a semester in France, I was lucky enough to find a vibrator that came free with a fashion magazine. Paris knows how to take care of you!
Seriously, hysterical. Good luck on that chapter in your nomadic life
When you come crash on my couch, I'm going 1. know you're out there masturbating, and 2. not mind at all because THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR. And I think you just need to buy a new vibrator. It's one of those things that, when you go on a trip and forget it, you have to run out and get one… like you would with a toothbrush or something.
That's a huuuuge vagina. Friends don't let friends travel without vibrators.
Did you really even have to ask the question? Buh-bye, extra pair of pants!
There is something called either the magic bullet or the silver bullet. Or maybe just the bullet. That's little.
Actually I think the magic bullet is that single serve blender thing.
I would have never even thought about this until you mentioned it. Now, whenever I'm traveling, I will be asking myself that question…
Another "Over the Top!" post from Nicole. I left you an award on my *other* blog: http://urbanity-charmcity.blogspot.com/
I have seriously had this same dillemma. And also chosen to not bring the vibrator. And it was always a bad idea. I agree with everyone else — get yourself a little vibe and take out the batteries before going through security. And trust me — they've seen bigger, badder, more scary vibrators than yours, so be proud of the fact that you can combine travel and masturbation with ease
THis post is hysterical. May I suggest an electric toothbrush. Two birds with one stone.
Seriously, always bring a vibrator, never leave home without it
Hahahaha. This is awesome! Finally someone addresses the one issue that has stopped me from becoming a true nomad!
haha, the things you write about. my goodness.
I'm probably spending the entirety of January traveling… and I'm glad I read this before, rather than after.
i love you. send me an address and i will send you a tiny and discrete and quiet vibrator. maybe it should be waterproof too- take that baby in the shower.
bahahahahaha! omg that post had me rolling! You're hilarious, especially this:
"Looking back, this should have been the precise moment at which I stopped taking her seriously, or at least questioned the size of her vagina, because really? if her experience with vibrators is that they’re the SAME SIZE AS A ROLLED UP PAIR OF JEANS, maybe that’s something she should see someone about."