I work from home, but not really. I “work from home,” but mostly I work from a coffee shop because being in the apartment all day makes me insaneface and I’m already insaneface enough as it is and also the access to unlimited iced tea is just too tempting to ignore. So I work from a coffee shop. And coffee shops are the best, right? Except for the thing where there are never enough outlets and everyone is there with a computer because of the free wi-fi and the getting out of the houseness and did I mention the access to unlimited caffeine? And yet, not enough outlets!
The coffee shop I work from is the worst with this because it only has two outlets. TWO OUTLETS. For like, eleventy hundred tables. Which makes people all lurker-like for the tables near said outlets and it makes them rude and stabby and this is exactly why I travel with my own surge protector even though every time I go to plug it in people make the squinting crazy eye at me. But then directly following the squinting crazy eye they’re excited as all hell to use the thing instead of having to sigh heavily and shoot passive aggressive stares at the person using the outlet while pretending that they’re horribly important and that the world will end when their battery dies even though all they’re really doing is repeatedly refreshing that website showing pictures of lesbians who look like Justin Bieber. And like, these people make questionable faces at me and my big surge protector but I think it’s really just because they’re full of giant sads about how they’re too stupid to think to bring a surge protector to the coffee shop themselves.
I WIN THIS ROUND. I SO SMART.
And, as what I can only assume is a reward for my sharing my surge protector smarts with the world, I got to witness the best ever coffee shop scene the other day. I was working, type type typing away, next to a man in a wheelchair who was reading a magazine at the table right by one of the two outlets. After about twenty minutes of us sitting there like that, an older man, probably in his early 70s, came up behind us, plugged his power cord into my surge protector, and proceeded to wind it around the other man’s wheelchair to reach his table, all without saying a word. No “Excuse me,” no “Could you lean over for a second?” no “Would you mind if I rudely wrapped my power cord around your wheelchair and made it impossible for you to exit your table when you’re finished reading and would like to go home?” He just went for it.
“Jesus!” the man in the wheelchair yelled.
“What did you just say to me about the Lord?” the old man asked.
And then, oh, and then it was on.
It was also, I’ll admit, the point at which I started to hope that the argument would turn physical. And I know, I know, this makes me a terrible person but let’s not pretend that you didn’t already know the levels of fucked up in my brain and let’s instead focus on how you’re sick too and would *totally* watch the Barnes & Noble Cafe version of Septuagenarian versus Paraplegic re: The Lord.
It’s okay, we can all live in the fucked up hole together. And, because I’m secretly the best of the best, I’ll entertain you while we’re down here by sharing wildly mundane facts about my life, like that the fact that I’ve recently decided that I’m fucking done wearing high heels. Done. Just done. It’s like, they’re so horribly uncomfortable and I get that they’re pretty and feminine – of course I get that – and I also get that they make my legs look hot, but you know what doesn’t make my legs look hot? Limping around like an asshole after walking in heels all the time. I don’t know, maybe I need to live in a city where there’s less walking. Or less hills. Or maybe I need a personal driver. Or my own wheelchair. Or maybe I need someone to carry me around all day. Or to stop being such a baby. But until all of those things happen? I quit heels. Quit. The end. Bye bye. Also, just kidding about the wheelchair. Also, I know wheelchairs aren’t funny. Also, I’m sorry but I just can’t seem to stop being this offensive. Also, speaking of high heels and shoes in general, why do people leave them in the middle of the street? Have you ever noticed that? I feel like the amount of times I walk by either a single shoe or a pair of shoes on the street is just too high. Who’s taking their shoes off in the middle of the street like that? Who’s so upset by their choice of footwear that they’re not only removing their shoes, they’re leaving them in a completely public place. Do these people have other shoes with them that they wear home instead? Do they walk home barefoot? Have they received the proper tetanus shots? Were they physically unable to dispose of the shoes prior to heading home? Was walking over to a trash bin too hard? Or how about donating them? And like, a pair of shoes is *maybe* understandable, maybe, but the single shoe kills me. Did this person walk home with only one shoe on? Do they prefer one foot to another foot? Do they only have one foot?
::brain explodes::
Also, too much iced tea.
{ 52 comments… read them below or add one }
That entire last paragraph? You see that? You see that monster?
THAT is why you cannot sweep. Everrrrrrr.
I wonder if people really think you mean sweep. Should we let everyone in on our sick sick baby voice that has gotten SO sick that we even type it?
Weggings! Twendsettew!
I have occasionally been tempted to ditch BOTH shoes in the street while wearing high heels but honestly cannot imagine why I would only ditch one of the pair. Not that I really wear heels myself anymore – partly to do with the whole them-hurting-like-a-bitch part, but also because I tend to fall over and embarrass myself far more when wearing them. I have to go with the odds therefore, and stick to flats…
WAIT!!!! What happened between Septuagenarian and Paraplegic?
Did you unplug the Septuagenarian’s power cord in a passive-aggressive way of getting back at him for 1) using your surge protector without permission and 2) trying to trip a Paraplegic?
Did anyone comment on the hypocrisy of the rudeness of the man who claims Jesus as his Lord and savior?
DETAILS!!!!
No! stop the presses. You need high heels to compete in a world full of women in flats. You have to put your best foot forward so do it in heels that get the double take from the guys. Or you sexy life is about to take a nosedive and all sorts of odd types are gonna show up. Second, working from home every day is insanity. Find a better coffe shop at say the boardwalk by the beach or some other it would still be cool to even work there location. Third, that’s like the southpark cripple fight episode….well kinda. it was a funny one though.
Considering the fact that I recently got paid to review a sex swing, I think I’ll take my chances on the decline in sex due to not wearing heels.
Fuck, I probably just jinxed my whole entire life.
I’ll still have sex with you if you wear flats. Hell, I’ll still have sex with you if you shout about your 5 inch cock in a convenience store.
But please, please tell me you have one longer than 5 inches in your collection.
1. You, of all people, carry a surge protector? I think this makes you less technically inclined but sort of more so I’m really not sure how to read it beyond jaw dragging on the floor.
2. Coffee shop? Just wanted to clarify how you define coffee shop. Coffee arcade in a book store?
3. You’re dating a 70 year old guy in a wheelchair? Weird? Oh wait that’s me reading as fast as you type.
4. In my quest to find some linklove for the fact that shoes lying around SF might imply gang warfare, wikipedia literally blew my mind with this detailed article on Shoe-Tossing which you must read immediately; the part about Shoefiti especially. Or the part about Competitive Boottossing. Or the whole fucking thing. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shoe_tossing
DShan. Dude. I had to double-check to make sure that wasn’t some kind of prank-i-pedia site, but no it’s Wikipedia. Awesome find.
Haha! I wasn’t sure either, at first, and kept reading with more and more disbelief.
NICOLE GET EFFING DISQUS ON YOUR WEBSITE OR I’LL THROW HIGH HEELS AT YOU.
I mean yeah, this is amazing. Big giant high fives to you. Why do I not come to you immediately with any and all questions?!
I am so gonna need video evidence of the smackdown. I’ll take wheelchair guy for the win! I hope he rolled over grampa’s toes on his way out.
Maybe, that random shoe is the result of a slide-down-the-stairs-drunk-in-front-of-everyone-including-your-crush and then limp out to the street only to realize that the slight chance of little drizzle the weather fuckcaster told you about in the morning, turned into a fucking superstorm of shit. Then, while you’re nice white dress becomes a peep show, your cab gets grabbed by some stupid asshole with an umbrella and the only thing left to do on your unbalanced ground is to throw down the damn shoe that started the whole mess and walk away proudly with one shoe still perfectly intact!
First of all, you write like I think and that makes me love you. Also, I so need to do this whole working from a coffee shop thing cuz the working from home thing makes me insane too. Fourthly, I so want to know the rest of the old guy vs. wheelchair guy fight. Finally, I quit heels long ago. For a girl with a displaced knee cap, the pain was so not worth the pretty. Though I do want some semi-comfy wedges for the summer.
Maybe you can talk Heather Mills into sharing some insight on the whole one abandoned shoe thing. I mean, she can’t really have anything else to do with her time, right? Unless she’s clubbing baby seals or something.
Need details on the smackdown. It’s too good to not finish that story.
I stopped wearing heels a few years ago, and haven’t missed them at all. Fuck them, I think they are evil, beyond evil, and silly.
Also, I see lots of shoes on wires in my daily travels, although I seldom [knowingly] go near crack dens. I’m not a fan of the ambiance.
I , too, need to know the outcome of the fight. I love nothing more than a religious battle and it sounds like these two were going to make a spectacular go of it. You are not offensive. You are funny. At least in my world and really, my world fucking rocks when it comes to that kind of thing. I don’t know about abandoned shoes. I’m more concerned when I come across a used condom on a sidewalk. Like, really, you fucked right here in front of 7-11? No you didn’t. Which means you either a) carried it in your pocket? hand? or b) wore it for awhile after? I don’t like to think about it. I’d much rather find a solo shoe.
that website with the lesbians who look like justin beiber totally fucking made my day.
And you are my hero (like ten times over) for quitting heels. I’m lucky i work at a job where they’re..not allowed (seriously) but i could never officially give them up. I wish i could quit you high heels…
This makes me laugh because I’ve had somewhat similar public outlet fights. One place in the burbs near our client actually has people run in there while the car is parked to go get that outlet. It’s insane.
Okay so wait! What happened to the guy in the wheelchair and the guy with the power cord ?! Like..I have to know now! you can’t just be like..HOMG Man in wheelchair was being wrapped with other mans power cord and then Word were exchanged in the name of the lord and then things were about to get hot and heavy and…HOMG I HATE HIGH HEELS!
Like really? What kind of Cliff hanger is that? you can’t just leave us hanging..or you can but that’s really just fucked up and mean.
ps….my city sucks because no one, EVER leaves shoes in the middle of the street. ever.
i would gladly quit heels too but my gays are BITCHES and would never let me hear the end of it.
oh and also when can i come visit because i want to have random coffeehouse moments and also count shoes in the street.
“Let’s instead focus on how you’re sick too and would *totally* watch the Barnes & Noble Cafe version of Septuagenarian versus Paraplegic re: The Lord.”
Lady, you kill me.
Oh, I HEAR you about the wheelchair.
I get SO jealous seeing Stephen Hawking all flopped over in his, realizing that he probably gets hot chicks to bathe him and ‘service him’ (wink) and on top of it HE CAN TALK LIKE A ROBOT.
I want that.
1. What happened to Wheelchair Guy and Septuagenarian????
2. Shoes — pbly left behind from a wedding. Y’know? The shoes all tied up on a string bumping along behind a car? That’s my theory.
How sick am I that I always assume that a shoe in the road means someone got run over by a car. And WHY is it only one shoe? I never see 2 shoes in the road, ever.
Oh, and who won the fight about Jesus?
Hm, you’re not that messed up apparently b/c I sometimes root for the altercations I’m witnessing to turn physical. Or maybe I’m equally messed up and I’m okay with that too.
Also, thank you for eschewing high heels. I gave up on them years ago. I mean, yes, I still own a few pairs but they are more to make my shoe collection seem fulfilled than to actually wear. And while I’m thinking shoes, I have no thought on the full abandoned pair but the solo shoe–I always assume it’s a drunk shoe left behind.
What?? What happened with the shouty old men?!
ahhh I work from home too! and this being my first summer of it I’ve yet to figure out the work from coffee house thing and instead just let myself get distracted by Say Yes to the Dress and What Not to Wear!
also, how short are you that you’re willing to give up heels? cause at 5’4″ I wish i had barbie feet so that way I never had to reveal my true shortness! (i have a tall family if you’re wondering about the apparent complex – my 12 year old brother is taller than me)
The one shoe. That’s just to mess with your head. Bastards.
Wait… What the hell happened to the wheelchairman and the Jesus lover? I wanted details… I WANT to be down in that deep dark place where I want to see things get physical between a bible-thumper and no-legger… hell, add in a ‘tard (yeah, I said it) and I’d pay money for that sh*t. For reals.
That one shoe thing only happens in hippieville. AKA Venice beach.
Pass me some patchouli
That’s NOT true Rahul. You left your shoe at the Gaslite.
I’m so glad someone else is boycotting high heels like I am. My feet DIED the other day because I actually had to dress up to go to the office and that included wearing high heels instead of my normal flip flops (I know, I’m so profesh), but my friend and I were talking about how high heels are basically like the devil, and then I suggested to her that she check out Cole Haan’s high heels that have Nike Air in them. Unfortunately, they don’t make those expensive high heels in my size, so I haven’t tried them out.
High heels in my life are leave-ons, not actual modes of transportation.
You had me at “I bring a surge protector to the coffee shop”….
How the fuck did I (and the other dunces at MY coffee shop) never think of this?
In the comments, I’m reading about things like wheel chairs, old guys boxing, high heels… I didn’t see any of that. All I saw was I BRING A SURGE PROTECTOR TO THE COFFEE SHOP.
Question: Does everyone applaud when you walk in?
Someone offered to buy me an iced tea once. But really, I’m thinking you’re right and that everyone *should* applaud for me.
DO THEY ONLY HAVE ONE FOOT????
Oh god. Picturing you on the street with your old silver shoes, an iced tea, your surge protector, and all the one-footed people just made me snort MY iced tea because I absolutely know what you’re talking about and is this a California thing because I don’t remember seeing that in New York City!!!!!?????
So was there a fight in the coffee shop?
1) The high heal was used as a weapon, to attack a creep or an idiot.
2) I bring high heels along some times, and wear comfies while in transit. i hear ya about no heels, but when your position softens, you will only wear them two hours at a time & switch out. It’s a happy medium.
3) count me as another person interested in the rest of the story….
4) I’m totally getting a surge protector 4 on the go….
i walked passed a bra in the street the other day.. thought it was a bit wierd ‘cept it was a sunday so obviously someone was getting busy on the saturday nite/sundee morning… it was disturbing.. how could you go out and then somehow forget you were wearing a bra….
Top tip: wear heels to meals out and other sitting-down-type social occasions. But not to ones where you know you’ll drink a bit and then want to PARTY and GO OUT but you can’t because you’ll be crippled by your shoes.
Also, I think the whole surge-protector-sharing thing has earned you your place in heaven. Done.
My day just got 1,000 times Bieber.
…so…. what happened in the fight? Did the Lord heal wheelchair guy so he could kick power cord guys’ ass? God, I hope so.
Just discovered your blog, not like Christopher Columbus or anything, but I think I love you. But not as much as I love high heels. I will be back!
It’s interesting to watch the progression of ADD with a dose of caffeine obliterate this post into random questions about shoes.
I have only one word to say: wow. Which is funny because it came after, like, seven previous words that had nothing to do with the subsequent word.
I’ve often wondered how ONE shoe comes to be on the side of the road, only one. And you can go along for miles and not see it’s mate. Where does the other shoe go? I don’t get it. Great minds, friend. Great minds.
Oh my wowza, I might be in love with you. Ok, I shouldn’t get ahead of myself, but this stuff is hysterical, I find myself laughing maniacally whilst reading.
p.s. Seeing one shoe on the ground/street/entranceway to my gym makes me slightly crazy, I like to think that I would notice if I lost one…
I have been too busy at the 9 to 5 to comment lately but I have been reading. I will always be reading and now I have no choice because I want to find out if there will be a repeat battle between Seventy vs. Cripply. Can I get a job where the main responsibility is reading nicoleisbetter.com? That would be the dream job….oh and did you find my shoe? Yeah, long story involving cross-dressing, binge drinking and being date raped…
DUDE!!! what in sam’s hell happened with the guy in the wheelchair?!?!?! i think you have had to much tea because you moved to another subject about shoes and never came back….you left me abandoned in wtfhappendtowheelchairmanville
i never wear heels. and i only had a kid for the sole purpose of growing her large enough to carry me on her shoulders one day. and for everyone to tell me how cute she is so i can act as if her attractiveness was all my doing.
you are a very kind person to bring a surge protector. i like you.
So…I totally know what you mean about the heels. I quit heels around age 28. When I stopped working in corporate retail, where every day was a freaking fashion show competition with bitches eying you up and down on the regular every time you go to/fro the potty — ya, that’s when I quit. In fact, I quit so hard, that my husband now mourns my formally sexy legs. He tells me that “flats aren’t alll the flattering”. I know they’re not. I mean, my ankles could stand to be a smidge thinner. But I value comfort over hot legs. Did you hear me mention the word “husband”? Ya, that means I don’t have to worry about looking sexy anymore. I mean, I do, but only for fear that I’ll run into one of those old Macy’s bitches. *flinching at the thought*