So we’re sitting at the table having Christmas brunch, right, and the phone rings and it’s this loud insane ring that sounds like somebody sped up that old Nokia default ringtone and added a few thousand bells in the background. And I’m like “the FUCK?” and my 80 year old aunt, who doesn’t look a centimeter over 50, launches out of her seat and runs to her purse. “Where’s my phone?!” she screeches. “It could be the kids calling! The phone! The kids! WHERE’S THE PHONE!! THE KIDS!”
She fumbles around and finally pulls out the damn thing, but it’s too late. So she brings it back to the table with her, sits down, slips it into her bra, looks at me, pats herself on the nipple, and goes, “Don’t you worry, we’re fine now, it’s in the vault,” and turns back to her eggs.
Which is when I thought, “Wait, what exactly just happened?” And also when I asked myself why I don’t store things in my bra, a question that just got more pressing throughout the day as I made the particularly wonderful discovery that her cell phone isn’t the only thing my Aunt Barbara keeps between her breasts. There’s money. And car keys. And probably a rubber penguin.
After brunch, her phone goes off again and my dad is all, “Barbara! Your tit is ringing!” and starts laughing hysterically at himself while trying to gasp, “Put this in your blog!” which is this new thing he yells at me every time he says something that he thinks is even marginally amusing. And my mom is all, “Alvin. You’re so desperate. Stop trying to make it in the blog already.” And he’s all, “At least I don’t reuse my teabags.” And she’s like, “You’re just jealous that I’m so economical!” And I’m like, “Please don’t make me weigh in here.” And they both turn around and stare at me and I’m trying to figure out the nicest way to tell my mother that letting warm, wet tea bags sit in a cup on the counter until she’s ready to reuse them is maybe the most disgusting thing that has ever happened in our house, which is saying, like, a lot, but I can’t think of a better way to say it so I just say it exactly like that, except I add in something about it being a breeding ground for bacteria and she goes, “Well, your father bought me a package of 100 teabags for Christmas so I won’t be reusing them for quite a while and you can shut up.”
Then she dropped something on the kitchen floor, shouted “fuck,” gasped, turned her eyes upward, and did a thing that I think was her apologizing to God for swearing on Christmas. Or maybe she was apologizing to Jesus for swearing on his birthday. Or maybe she was looking at that weird spot on the kitchen ceiling and trying to figure out if it’s just a dent, or a dent and water damage, or a dent and water damage and mold.
Which is totally what I do when I’m in there.
Yes, this type of shit is exactly why I’m an insomniac. Yes, I also lay awake at night wondering if midgets buy their clothes from midget clothing stores or from the kid’s section of regular sized stores. Yes, I know they like to be called little people, I just think that sounds condescending and stupid. Yes, I’m so much more fucked up than you. Yes, I know this makes you feel good.
Asshole.
Posted in: day to day shenanigans, i heart my crazy mother, wtf?!
{ 54 comments… read them below or add one }
You just made me remember the time I asked my mom if I could use her cell and she reached into her bra, pulled it out and held it out to me. "No thanks…It's not that important after all." Yeah…not using the boob phone, but thanks anyway.
About the midgets? I've totally wondered that too.
Christmas dinner sure sounded interesting. My parents also reuse their teabags…except they sometimes just leave them on the sink, waiting around for the next cup of half strength tea, which I feel is even more disgusting.
Haha I just love the way your mind works. Another great insomnia 'aid' is wondering what animals would say if they had the ability. Especially the ones that get grotesquely dressed up like humans.
I am approximately 85 years old and also keep things in my bra. More specifically – wedged in between my shoulder and shoulder strap. It's especially handy when you don't have pockets, or if you are wearing a dress. You see, a giant-Nokia-bulge is much classier than holding a possibly out-of-season handbag.
Not sure my boobs are bid enough to store a phone or car key. I only keep money in there.
I think the word Teabag is absolutely disgusting…but used wet teabags on the counter is like really bad porn, if porn can be really bad. And the phone in the bra thing would look just like a pacemaker. except that it vibrates.
My mother-in-law keeps things in her boobs. I on't get it. I think it only works if you have reeeeeally big ones. I mean, I'm a D (which is far too large in my opinion) but if I put a cell phone or kets in there, I'd look all sorts of lumpy.
I also think little people sounds condescending. I know I want to know where they buy their clothes. Thanks a lot.
Hahahaha, this had me cracking up. I love that your dad is trying so hard to get onto your blog! I guess he can be pleased that he made it, huh?
I know dozens of teenage girls who keep crap in their bras. Thick jumper=no problem! Just switch it on vibrate and giggle.
Damn teenagers.
Doesn't work when your school uniform is perfect, either. Yet another reason why people should enforce the bloody rules!
Midgets/Dwarves/Little People/Whatever buy normal people clothes and have them altered to fit.
I know because am oddly fascinated by the shows on tv about them.
Ok now Margaret has me even more fascinated…are there specific tailors that cater to the nugget population? I wonder if your aunt could fit a handful of them in her bra…
But what was so important that she had to say fuck after she dropped it. UGH – I can't believe you left that part out.
And you need to start keeping things in your bra – its the best place to keep things from getting stolen. I even have a bra that has an inside pocket, its awesome. Taxi money!
My family is pulling the "that's gonna end up in your blog" "put that in your blog" "pay me royalties for your blog" shit too.
I'm all: SHUT UP ABOUT THE BLOG.
It's like, *I'm* the one making *you* bitches famous. HOW ABOUT YOU PAY ME TO APPEAR IN THE BLOG AND SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY.
I love that you think you're fucked up. Here's hoping you have a great new year in wherever the hell you happen to be at the time.
You should launch a line of utility bras. Like those horrifying kilts, only breast related. It'd be like printing money with tits.
You really would be amazed at how many things you can discretely hide in a bra. Just sayin'…
Haha, I've kept my iPhone in my bra before.. it's a great place if I don't have a pocket.
ok i can answer the midget question:
if you watch that show "the little couple" on tlc you will learn that the EASIEST thing is if they buy clothes from the kids section but garments like suits and formal dresses usually have to be custom made.
see? question answered. easy peasy.
ok i can answer the midget question:
if you watch that show "the little couple" on tlc you will learn that the EASIEST thing is if they buy clothes from the kids section but garments like suits and formal dresses usually have to be custom made.
see? question answered. easy peasy.
i'm sick at the moment with mono.. this has just given me the perfect sick-day-activity.
try out how many different things I can hide in my bra. tomorrow is set to be a good day.
When I worked at the nightclub Webster Hall, the staff liked to visit the women's room after closing because of all the stuff that I assume fall out of women's bras. I found twenty bucks once and I think I know of one person who found a fifty spot. Although funny, this post has an air of menace. Did living in the SF Tenderloin make you hardened, Nicole?
nipple patting……is one thing I did not expect to read about today. Touche.
I think storing things in your bra is an awesome idea! Men are always mystified when I pull something out of my bra.
Unfortunately, I'd have to buy bigger bras if I wanted to keep a cell phone in there. But push-up bras sometimes have little pockets for the extra padding, so you can take out the padding and keep money in there. Haha.
That is a hilarious story. My mother always fumbles around her purse to get her cell phone and she never gets it in time either. Thankfully she has never put it in her bra.
I can't believe this story ended without you storing something in your bra. Like a used teabag, for reuse later. You're going soft on us, Antoinette.
I've always wanted to have a bra big enough to be able to hold convenient items, but alas, I don't even have boobs big enough for that.
The teabag discussion reminds me of the episodes from Sex & the City where Harry leaves them all over the house.
We have similar discussions at our house here too, not about teabags, but odd things my Gram says when she's around.
I bet your dad is super glad he's made it into the blog!
i'm pretty sure every time i read a post involving your family i start laughing immediately and then call matt over to read it as well. seriously, amazingness and all sorts of hilarious. love it.
I think I'd lose things in my boobs.
But, can I just tell you that I saw Sherlock Holmes today, and the phrase Ginger Midget was used repeatedly, and I laughed out loud EVERY DAMN TIME. It's funny. And yeah, I'd like to know, too. On that show "The Little Couple" on TLC, they have clothes specially made by a tailor. Cute!
I thought I was the only one who wondered about the small clothes!
Shane
Just visiting from MODG. My grandma reuses coffee grains. She will use fresh grains one day then will leave that filter in there for the next day. Then she will use fresh grains again the next day. Weird.
New follower!
oh, my Granny is the QUEEN of keeping things in her bra… a trait I have recently noticed my mother acting on, as well. I figure it is only a matter of time {aka, 20 years} before I too am stuffing id cards, cell phones, money and rubber penguins into my cleavage.
Yay for heredity.
I just found your blog and already I love it – I think I am going to pee my pants. For the record I think Little People sounds wrong as well and I prefer Midget. Then again I'm not one but still… Nothing is funnier than a midget. Wow, that sounded bad.
It has been well documented that I am a huge proponent of using the bra as storage space.
Congrats on the 20SB nods, love!
You my friend are very comical. Love your rambling trains of thought!
You my friend are very comical. Love your rambling trains of thought!
Yeah, I think it's an older generation thing. I personally will only stuff my cell phone when I'm out running. And that's just because I'm crazy and worry if someone kidnaps me while I'm running, I then have a way to call the cops. Perhaps I'm a little crazy.
As for used teabags, you don't get as much tea the second time around. It's just bad all around.
MODG basically called me stupid for not reading your blog. She was right. Consider me a new follower.
when i was reading this i started laughing about the midgets, and asked my roommates if they thought there was a special store for midgets, and if there was, how come we never see it? is it hiding in the special midget part of every town? and talking about 'little people,' i was actually watching that show 'little people, big world,' but it's totally pointless because they're just normal people living normal boring lives! they just happen to be smaller than me and you! what's the point? at least in that show they should reveal to us where they go shopping. or something else interesting that little people have to do.
anyway, i'm glad i'm not the only one lying awake at night thinking about midgets. like, where did they get all those midgets to be munchkins in the wizard of oz? or were those just kids?? they certainly look like midgets. love you!!!
nope, equally fucked up right here.
The only time I ever hide things in my bra is at work when I need a tampon break. It's a lot slicker than shuffling to the bathroom clutching an OB and risking getting sidetracked by a coworker. My old roommate and I used to put our money and ID in our bra when we went out so we wouldn't need to bring a bag to the bar and we'd come home and have change and our drivers licenses stuck to our sweaty boobies. AHAHAHAHAHA just thinking about it gives me the heebie jeebies. Who knows where that money has been!?!? anyway, your family sounds like a hoot.
Now you've got me wondering what my mom keeps in her bra. Or better yet, what should I be keeping in mine? The world would be so much easier to navigate if I could just put all the contents of my purse and possibly my dog in my bra. Except that my dog is big and that would make me incredibly….INCREDIBLY lopsided. Scratch the dog. At least some lip gloss and my car keys.
Oh well. Your family sounds infinitely more entertaining than mine at Christmas. We just sit and stare at the tv.
I loved when, at my first job (at KFC), women would pull money out of their bras in order to pay for their fried chicken. And I had to grab it.
Anyway, sounds like you had a good Christmas. I'm a little jealous.
I’m still processing your 80/50 aunt shouting fuck
normal is so overrated -it says so on my medication
Oh wow!! This had me totally thinking about the Rack Trap http://www.theracktrap.com I saw this ad over the weekend. I guess they want to make it more comfortable, since women have been doing this for years. Especially the older women, putting stuff in their bras..I tried, when I went to the club, but it was uncomfortable. And the money kept sliding, was scared I was going to lose it. Lol Doesn't work of me. I love family tales.
Did you have Christmas brunch at my house??
i used to put my phone and money in my bra when i'd go out in college but it always came out all sweaty, and then i'd have to tip the bartender with wet $1s and put a slippery phone to my face. I decided carrying a purse was easier.
All my 80-year-old person does is get sloshed while wearing her mink coat. And I fucking hate that coat. Adopt me?
I say midget all the time. Totally with you on where they buy their clothes. Since I'm only 5' tall I feel justified in using the word midget. Or oompaloompa is good too.
My boobs are probably big enough for storing a cellphone between, but I need all the room in my bra I can get. Plus, I'm afraid if I put my phone in my bra, it would get all sweaty, so when I tried to pull it out it would make a big "thook" kind of sound and I would be laughing so hard I couldn't answer it.
found you from MODG…loving it and now following
LoL! this is Funny!
HAHA — to the nth degree. I love your style. And your family.
when i was in high school my science teacher would come to school with a thick wallet inside her bra cup. most of the time she wore a loose fitting dress and it wasnt to noticable. though in the warmer weather she would wear a tight fitting tank top and the 4 corners and shape of it was unmistakable. she didnt seem to care that it could be seen by everyone in the school. i found it fascinating and i wanted so much to ask her questions about why she carried it that way and was she aware how noticable it was.that summer i ran into her at the stop and shop and helped her with her groceries and seen her remove the walett from her bra. she was from another country and i think this is the custom there as most women there use there bra cup for a pocket. for me i find it to be a sexual turn on and now i look for women that do this. if your a woman that does this would you write me at dodgemlusse54@hotmail.com i love to hear from you. fred