A few weeks ago, the kickass people at AdultSexToys.com sent me a Clone-A-Pussy kit so that I could make a chocolate replica of my vagina. It’s things like this that make it really weird to date me because I call at noon on a Tuesday and I’m all, “Would you like to come over for dinner and chocolate vagina?” and he’s like, “??” and I’m all, “I’m pretty sure the fine print of the Universal Dating Manual states that whenever the girl would like help creating an exact mold of her vagina, the guy says yes” and he’s like, “I’ll bring Champagne” and I’m all, “I’m adding that to the manual.” And then he really did come over and he really did bring Champagne because he’s the best of the best and I drank it and he drank it and Jamie drank it because of course Jamie was there too and I made them both five cheese stuffed shells for dinner which was my way of saying, “Thank you for constantly putting up with my shenanigans and for loving my vagina so dearly.”
After dinner we opened the kit and read through the instructions and they were all, “The first step is to thoroughly wash your vagina with soap and water” so I went into the bathroom and took off my pants and did as I was told and then I changed into a long hippie skirt that solved the problem of “How do I have access to my vagina during the molding process without running around the apartment naked?” because I’m totally more modest than you’d think and I don’t run around naked that often. And then steps two and three are to mix the molding powder with lukewarm water and pour it into the molding container but you have to do it quickly because it turns to gel after like actually one minute and then step four is to stand there and press the molding container against your vagina and it urges you to “be sure your entire vulva is covered” which is probably my new favorite sentence ever and is also the strangest part of the process because you’re just STANDING THERE for like FOUR WHOLE MINUTES with gel pressed against your vagina and your legs are spread wide open because who the who wants a mold of the *outside* of their vagina?? But then the mold solidifies and you peel it off and put it in the freezer and melt the chocolate and pour it into the mold and put it back in the freezer and then you take it out of the freezer and remove it from the mold and OH MY GOD IT ACTUALLY WORKS. Like, I stood in the middle of the kitchen squealing and then I made everyone eat part of it except I wasn’t looking when Jamie took her bite and she’s all, “YOU AREN’T GOING TO WATCH ME EAT YOUR VAGINA?” which actually replaces “be sure your entire vulva is covered” as my new favorite ever sentence.
So, to recap, Jamie is awesome and the guy I’m dating is awesome except let’s call him James Bond from now on because “the guy I’m dating” is annoying to type and there are tons of totally legit parallels between them like how James Bond is mysterious and this guy is sort of mysterious and how James Bond is, well, fuck, that’s all I’ve got because I hope I’m not dating someone who’s secretly British with a closet full of tuxedos and guns and leggy women. Actually, I hope I’m not dating someone who keeps women of any leg length stored in a closet. Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, the Clone-A-Pussy kit and how it’s awesome and how I’m totally going to do what the package suggests and make other things with the reusable mold like vagina soap and vagina candles and VAGINA ICE CUBES because it instructs you to “fill with water or your favorite juice and freeze for a refreshing treat on a hot day.” FAVORITE JUICE. APPLE JUICE VULVA.
Who wants to make apple juice vulva with me? And who wants to buy a vagina candle? OH MY GOD I SHOULD SELL VAGINA CANDLES. And who wants to win one of these kits? Yes, they’re letting me do a giveaway for you lucky vaginas and dude vaginas and fuck, if chocolate vaginas make an appearance in the next Bond movie I’m totally going to sue.
Happy Thursday.
PS- If I win that lawsuit I’ll buy EVERYONE a Clone-A-Pussy kit. You’re welcome in advance. Happy Thursday once again.
[UPDATE: James Bond has picked a winner. He picked Jenn. He picked Jenn because he liked that she and KYLECOOPER entered the contest together. He has a condition for Jenn winning though. Jenn & KYLECOOPER, are you listening? His condition is that you guys have to tell me the story about using the mold so that I can tell it to him. Cool? Cool.]
{ 100 comments… read them below or add one }
If there is any way to send the kit to Australia I would like one! XD
I am kind of sad that you weren’t wearing the Snuggie while molding your vagina.
Oh, and, I WANT THAT KIT.
Let me just say, I have a legitimate reason to want one. When I directed The Vagina Monologues at my undergrad institution, we did a fundraiser where we sold chocolate vagina lollipops. True story. They were fucking delicious.
ahhhhhhh ha whoa yeah woooooo hoooooooo
OMG I NEED this. How do I win? What are the rules? You know what? Fuck the rules. I need to chocolate-cover my vagina and give it to K-Dub and he’ll be all, “WTF?” Because he never knows what to do when I do something like this and this could be the most epic thing I’ve ever surprised him with besides the taco in the VCR thing. Uhhh, yeah. Sorry. I’m just super excited for your vulva and I want my own vulva. I’ll shut up now.
No pictures of this iconic creation??? I’m not really this creepy in person. I swear.
Hell yes I want one of those kits! Who wouldn’t?!
And happy Thursday to you too.
I am having a really evil little fantasy moment right now, involving me bringing a chocolate vulva replica into my office and leaving it in the kitchen and not saying anything and waiting to see if anyone comments on it at all. It is a good thing I am alone at home right now, because I am sort of giggling like a loon out loud to myself.
Which is to say, I really want that kit.
Why oh why couldn’t you post a picture of the finished mold? Or better yet, the chocolate? Or even better, Jaime eating the chocolate? LOL! You never fail to shock me and make me laugh at the same time!
I mean, it’s just impolite to not be looking at someone when they are eating your vagina.
Know your manners, Nicole.
Tsk tsk.
I’m with Jamie on this one. It’s very impolite to not look at someone when they’re eating your vagina. That’s actually in the Mrs. Manners etiquette handbook.
Oh heck yes! My Almost Boyfriend LOVES chocolate AND my vagina! This would be perfect for us!
This is hilarious. OMG you crack me up. My vagina is totally laughing too. And wants a mold of it made, damn that bitch is demanding.
You never cease to make me laugh. I miss your face and can’t wait to see you in Vegas. P.S. I would love to win a Clone-a-Pussy kit. That sounds absolutely fantastic and hilarious.
I’M SO UPSET WITH SO MANY THINGS ABOUT THIS.
But mostly because YOU wanted to be there, right, Ben?
I was totally expecting pictures.
Because I seriously canNOT imagine what this would look like. I mean, I’m imaging, but really? So curious!
PICS or it didn’t happen.
I skimmed through the part about the instructions and got to the part about your pals eating your chocolate vaginal mold, and I was like “Wait, is that hygenic?” but then scrolled back up to read that you had to MAKE the mold and then melt the chocolate to freeze it. Phew.
YEH but i don’t recall anything about washing the mold before pouring the chocolateeeeeee
I WANT EVERYTHING IN THIS POST. And I am SO SAD I wasn’t there for this why haven’t I moooooooved!??!??!
Seriously, woud it have killed you to give Jamie at least 2 seconds of deep eye contact while she ate your pussy? I mean really, Nicole.
One day you will eat her pussy and she won’t look at you! Then you’ll see how it feels.
THIS IS WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING. YOU GET ME.
The only reason I read this was in hopes of seeing a picture of Jamie eating a piece of your vagina replica.
I repeat #nicoleisworse!
I think my girlfriend would absolutely LOVE to make a chocolate vagina. She always craves chocolate right before she gets her period! So, I keep stashes of it around. But then I pretend I’m really surprised when I catch her in the pantry with a half eaten bag of dark chocolate M&Ms. She also keeps buying stuff like edible body lotion and edible panties…which taste like things only a 4 year-old craves, like candy cigarettes and fun dip! So, she’d definitely be stoked to make a chocolate vagina and share it with me!
Oh, and I live in the US!
Oh wait. I meant to type…
I mean, it’s just impolite to not be looking at someone when they are eating your vagina.
Know your manners, Nicole.
Tsk tsk.
(Since someone is stealing Jamie’s Tweets, I thought it was only right if I steal her comments too. I want her life to feel 100% creepy and not just 90% creepy.)
If I had the kit, I would add almonds. *Insert obvious vagina/nut joke here*
Well now I’m craving chocolate almond vagina. Damnit.
OMG I’m sitting here cracking up and my husband is all “what’s so funny?” and I’m like “I CANT TELL YOU!”
Ok so I’m pretty sure that this is right up me and KYLECOOPER’s alley and we’re gonna need one of these things asap. FOR SURE.
NOM NOM NOM
Do they make these in mens? Because a triumphant chocolate trophy of my cock would look really great on my mantle.
It’s exchanges like this that make me want to list “JenniferAlaine and KYLECOOPER’s Relationship” as one of my interests on Facebook. Watch out, you might become a hobby next.
Like several other commenters, I was hoping for a photo of this masterpiece before it was consumed.
Also, like everyone else, I would totally rock a chocolate vagina kit. Given a little alcohol, I might even put up a photo of the results.
I know, I KNOW. Everyone wants to see my vagina. I GET IT. And I *did* take a picture, but, but I just couldn’t post it.
I’m SORRY.
I LOVE YOU GUYS.
It’s just, I mean, it’s TOO LIFE LIKE.
BUY ME DINNER AND MAYBE WE’LL REEVALUATE.
I want this so bad. I also want mechanical James Bond. SO. BAD. But I know I won’t win because I never win so I’ll just have to save up 15 dollars and buy it myself and sometime soon so I can make the mold before I come to Vegas so I can have vagina popsicles for the car ride. AND MAKE JELLO SHOTS IN THE SHAPE OF MY VAGINA FOR EVERYONE AT BLOGGERS IN SIN CITY. Yup.
I demand a jello shot of your vagina. I DEMAND IT.
I too was hoping for a picture of the final product….but guess I’ll just have to win and make my own!!
So much to say:
1. “James Bond” really is the coolest, best dude ever.
2. I feel sad for Jamie that you didn’t watch her. I’d have The Sads, too.
3. I wish I had been there for this. With Andrea, obviously.
4. That picture? Needs to be forwarded to my Inbox rightfuckingnow.
5. Also, I believe I was supposed to see something with a certain tiny hat, too? SEND IT.
6. It will be the most inappropriate email ever.
7. I miss your face. And Jamie’s.
I totally need a chocolate vulva, my own chocolate vulva. That would be too freakin awesome. I would totally send one to the chef guy I totally have the hots for that lives really really far away and wont be able to get up close and personal with my actual vulva for a while. I totally need to make a replica of my vulva, please make this happen for me!!! Thanks in advance
(Enough “totallies” in this paragraph?)
So, I don’t actually want the chocolate vag making kit (because something about it creeps me out a little, frankly)…but my BFF would say that if she could lick her own lady parts, she’d never have to leave the house. I’m afraid the days of that sort of flexibility are long gone for me – so maybe in an odd way, this kit is exactly what I need?
Vag-ello shots??? I am so in! I love jello shots, my husband lives vagina, it’s a total win win!
OMG WANT VAGINA MADE OF CHOCOLATE. Ew, that made me sound really creepy. But I really think this is something every woman should try. It goes really well with my bacon bra. Bacon bra and chocolate vagina! Bacon and chocolate are good together. Trust me.
-FD
I can’t say I ever expected to see a post with “chocolate vaginas” in the title, but it was definitely worth reading. You crack me up!
I don’t think I want one, but it is funny.
I’m not actually in Africa any more which is to say I’m moving back to The Bay this weekend and I have a Giraffe with your name on it (and Jamie’s).
Soooo I have to wonder why you’re not also giving away the male counterpart to this product, the Clone-A-Willy. Isn’t that a little sexist? I mean I’m all for winning stuff but I don’t have a vagina
Let me know when we can get together so I can give you both your giraffe and for the life of me I can’t figure out how to make that into a sexual innuendo but I have faith in you.
You know, nowhere in there did it say she washed the mold before she put the chocolate in it, so it’s entirely possible that there was a little frozen Nicole Essence in the chocolate vag. That is dedication to friendship, Jamie. I definitely want one, if only to see if my former roomie and bff will eat mine. and look me in the eyes at the same time….
Oh. Dear. God. I didn’t even THINK OF THAT.
I was going to make that comment too but didn’t want to ruin your day. So thank you, Misty! And Jamie, I’m pretty sure this gives you carte blanche forever. I mean, you can’t argue with “I ate your vagina…with ACTUAL vagina essence.” Slave fo’ life.
This is obviously going on the list of Vegas activities, right? Chocolate vagina making. Put it under arts & crafts.
OH MY GOD I COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING AT THIS POST!!!!
BEAUTIFUL.
I sooo want to be able to say “I want to watch you eat my vagina.” to as many men as possible. So sign me up for that giveaway!
I just want to say that I’m jealous of your roommate and James Bond. Do they make a kit for molding balls? Would anyone ever buy one if it was the other way around like that?
I just want to say that I’m jealous of your roommate and James Bond. Do they make a kit for molding balls? Would anyone ever buy one if it was the other way around like that?
OMG I would so use this kit, AND take pictures… cause after all.. Pictures or it didn’t happen!
Okay, so I only started reading your blog, like, yesterday. And here you are already offering me my very own vagina in chocolate. So sweet of you!
Now, my husband is the only man I have ever met in my entire life who loves chocolate even more than I do. And he also loves….well, let’s just say I would love to be able to hide this away as a gift for our first anniversary.
)
That’s the greatest arts and crafts project ever!
MEmememememememememememememememeeeeeeeee
(please)
I’m getting called spam so I’m going to take out all the v words.
Oh the things I could make with a mold of my v. I could squish fondant in it to make even better v cupcakes. I could fill it with lime jello and make a plate of alien v for Halloween. Instead of cheese balls I could make cheese vand whittle carrot sticks into little tiny schlongs. I NEED that kit.
On second thought, don’t send me that kit. I don’t have that kind of time on my hands.
On third thought, I don’t care I WANT that kit.
Also, did you make stuffed shells as an intentional addition to your three-snatch-meal? Tacos would have been more subtle me thinks.
Also, also? I’m now going to refer to my vag as a “refreshing treat on a summer day.”
I’m starting to worry that I know more about your vagina than my own, which CLEARLY means I need the kit.
This is fantastic! I’ve been trying to get my husband, (who is a glassblower) to make glass penises, (aka dildos) becuase a) we’d make a ton of money and b) there is a huge market for it and c) he already knows how to make molds for cups, glasses etc so it shouldn’t be that far of a reach, eh? I’m totally showing this to him ASAP! Thanks for doing a trial run first!
i want one!!
i hope you send them to argentina
OMG! I was JUST telling my husband a few days ago how I found a site where you can buy a kit to make a mold of your unmentionables and then make CHOCOLATE SNACKS from the mold!!! I was like “DUDE WOULD YOU EAT A CHOCOLATE SNACK OF MY SNATCH???? A CHOCOLATE SNATCH OMG HAHAHA!!??” And he was like “Umm……you’re really weird. That’s really weird. I’m feeling uncomfortable and cold. I need a juice box.” And then I was like “SO IS THAT A YES OR A NO???” And from there I had all kinds of inspired ideas of hosting a dinner party with our coolest friends and being like “Dessert, ta DA! IT’S ORANGE GELATO WITH CHOCOLATE SNATCH A LA GINI!” But he thought that idea was too extreme and it would be gross to force our friends to literally eat my vagina. I don’t see the problem with it though.
This post was AWESOME!
Not just because it dealt with vaginas, but because it was informative and educational.
The only thing that would have made it better would have been step by step pics, and photos of the finished product.
AND, a pic of Jamie eating you chocolate vagina.
Fucking amazing. Jamie and James Bond ate your chocolate vagina – true colors right there, those are good peoples
That was simultaneously the most disturbing and AWESOME thing I’ve ever read. You have some true friends, girl.
If eating an apple juice vagina is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.
That’s by far the most amazing thing I have read all day.
Count me in… I want one!
I seriously just peed my pants and I’m at my MOM’s house and she’s all like “What are you laughing at?” and I’m like “uhh…this peanut butter cookie recipe. God Rachel Ray is hilarious” and now my mom thinks I’m a crack-head with a terrible sense of humor
But that’s okay, because at least she doesn’t think I’m laughing about your vagina!
Since when do you call guys “dude vaginas”? I don’t even know how I’m supposed to feel about that. Do I chuckle? Do I get offended at your emasculation of all male readers?
How would you like it if I referred to a large group of people as Dicks and Dickettes? Actually, I kind of like that phrase. I’m keeping it. IT’S MINE! BACK OFF!
I can’t think of anything else that would make my friggin week than spending a night making random shtuff with my vagina mold. So, yes. Please.
You and Jamie should file a lawsuit against the girl that’s been stealing her tweets and use the proceeds to buy all of us a Clone-A-Pussy kit!
DUDE this is amazing. I want one of these like yesterday!
When I saw the title of your post I was all excited because I thought that maybe you were going to give away the blow up dolls.
But this is cool too.
My daughter starts Sex-Ed in school next month. This might be a valuable educational tool. Maybe I’ll send one to her teacher for Teacher Appreciation week.
Rejected South Park songs Vol. 1.
“Suck On My Chocolate Salty Vagina”
Oh I want one, I WANT ONE! I’m a mother of a six week old and I haven’t had sex for…well for over six weeks. And this will probably be the prelude to a fun night. Or, at least, a chance for my husband to finally see my va-jay-jay for the first time in over six weeks. PICK ME TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE!
OK I’m getting obsessed by this now. Did you have to lube or use some sort of releasing agent so you didn’t just give yourself a Brazilian? Are there little pubes floating in the apple juice vag?
If I had one of these, I would always carry around chocolate vaginas. Then I’d tell people who piss me off to eat me while tossing them my chocolate vagina.
Well, Stacey, I just have to say -and I know it’s sudden- but I think I’m in love with you a little! The whole “eat me”/chocolate vag thing is awesome.
Also: “My Chocolate Vagina” would be the BEST all-girl rock band name in the history of, like, ever.
Oh man, Im always down for eating vulva! My Vagina is totally mold worthy…that’s why Im getting that kit!
I am pretty sure my fiancé would leave me if I put my chocolate vagina on a plate in front of him. But he does like chocolate, so maybe I’ll just feed him a bite and tell him what it is after. Yea, that sounds like a better plan.
And I really want to see pics of this – even if you have to get all artistic with them so it’s not as weird.
If I win your giveaway, I won’t even need to shop for a Mother’s Day gift.
+55505695095656095609!!!!!!
THIS IS MY FAVORITE POST OF YOURS EVER ALWAYS IN THE HISTORY OF YOUR POSTS. EVER. And I want one! And to live in your apartment. Even if I have to make a bed out of your threesome dolls and call that my “air mattress” because really, would that be so bad?
Once upon a time I dated a guy who had the penis version (though it was more of a make-your-own-dildo kit than a mold for a tasty treat). Apparently the gel solidified too fast and… well… yeah. It was a long distance thing and because he is AWESOME he wanted to send me something to get me through the months apart. How’s that for love? It’s a darn shame I never got a chance to use it.
Oh, and I totally want this.
p.s. I used to run the Gender Resource Center at my college and we made these on lollipop sticks for the opening of the Vagina Monologues. Needless to say, there were leftovers.
Is an embarrassing but relevant story likely to win this for me?
I bought one of those kits you use to clone a man’s penis in order to make a vibrator from it. The instructions were similar, mix the powder with warm water and insert the (erect) penis into the moulding tube. Except in the hurry to get the stuff mixed up quickly enough whilst making sure he didn’t get ‘stage fright’ I somehow got ‘warm’ mixed up with ‘hot’. And burnt his cock.
So I would like to make him a chocolate vulva as an apology.
The actual truth is that I need this kit! And if I get the chance to replicate my vagina, I might tell you where to find penis macaroons. Only, you probably already know where to find them because you live in San Francisco and the greatest thing about San Francisco is that they supply their residents with penis cookies.
Also, maybe I could drop out of school and start a shop where I sell only things that look like my vagina. We could split the profit 80 20 or I could just give you discounts…
I don’t know what’s more disturbing about this whole post; the fact that you watched Jamie and James Bond eat your vagina at the same time or you stood there spread for 4 minutes to make that happen.
I have close, very very close female friends. Friends I would do pretty much anything for. And yet, I do not think we are as close as you and Jamie at this point.
And while I had to comment, I do not want this little kit. I am a wife and a mama and we have all kinds of visitors and construction workers here during the week and so you must understand that there is NO ROOM in my life for edible things shaped like my vagina! Because I can just imagine having a Jello in the fridge shaped like my vagina, and then Nick would reach in to get a beer for someone, and they’d be all?? and he would be most displeased.
i am not really certain how i should comment except I Love Chocolate
oh wow I Want that. Husband would be Shocked to receive a chocolate vagina to eat. And then would tell his friends he sat at home and ate pussy and ‘d say ya! Me too! It was Chocolate! And they’d be like What the F? But it’d be awesome. Pretty please send me a chocolate vagina making kit. Or at least remind me to buy one if I lose.
I want one. Just… please?
I WANT ONE. Except I read this other website that said it’s actually kind of awkward, especially the clone-a-willy kit, which, no offense to women, is a little more useful than the clone-a-pussy kit. I mean, I’m pretty sure James Bond can’t actually have sex with the chocolate vagina, but maybe that’s cool because you would like him to be saving that sexing for you. I hear you, except I am in a long distance relationship, so there’s no saving the sexing, I JUST WANT MY BOYFRIEND’S PENIS ALL THE TIME. So um. Let me make a replica of my pussy to send to boyfriend so he can all not have sex with it while he looks for jobs. Yeah?
Eating a chocolate vagina is WAY better than eating a chocolate squirrel!
I came over here from Elly Lou’s blog, and I have to say it was a worthwhile trip. Sounds like James Bond is a keeper. I want this kit, but I think it needs a better name (Clone-a-Pussy?? Really?? Who does their marketing?). I would also like to see how my own boyfriend (let’s call him Max Smart) would react to an evening of chocolate vulvas. That’s quite a litmus test!
Yessss chocolate vagina! I want – no, I NEED one!! No reason why… I just do.
Give it to me quick, so that I can remember the days before I ruin my beautiful vagina with babies and their vagina-wrecking giant heads. I mean it, I need that mo-fo ASAP!!
Also, awesome
I’m so sad I didn’t read this while I was at work last week and end up injuring myself while trying to hide what I was reading from my coworkers. Of all the days to get a pedicure on my lunch break…Seriously though, I want the mold. I will take chocolate vaginas to work. Promise.
dude. you’re a better, and braver, (wo)man than i am. i think i would laugh too hard and my vagina mold would end up looking like a mutant face. or a fetus. or something on the bottom of my shoe.
hey there nicole!!
what a lovely world you have here!! i just love you guys’ (you and Jamie’s) connection and creativity!! i’m so glad i found my way here..
thanks to Ben
love.xoxo
p.s. how can i follow you? i couldn’t find a button or something to do that..
I am loving the endless possibilites of the vagina mold! You are awesome! And you really do need a button I can add to my blog to link back to you!!
Holy crap, eff, curse. Superlative, hyperbole. This is the best fricking blog post I’ve ever read.
I’m so sad that I just got to this post on my GoogleReader! You are my favorite.
I decided the vagina mold will be my new standard bachelorette party gift because lets face it cute sleepwear is lame and I alway like to be THE inappropriate gift giver.
Is the mold re-useable?
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