This is probably a little redundant at this point, but I drink a lot of wine. Specifically, I drink a lot of Two Buck Chuck from Trader Joe’s, which isn’t necessarily relevant but might be something you should write down just in case you’re ever faced with needing to buy me a present and you’re all, “Does she maybe want a sweater?” and then that little voice in your head can be like, “No bitch, of course she doesn’t want a fucking sweater, she wants a case of Charles Shaw.”
And I do. Like, all the time. Like, I want a new case delivered every single week. I mean, wait, what’s the appropriate amount of time in which to consume 12 bottles of wine? Assuming you do it with a roommate. And sometimes with friends. But also sometimes not with a roommate or with friends because you’re having a college flashback weekend and you’re too cheap to pay for drinks at bars and you aren’t slutty enough to flirt your way into getting free drinks from guys in bars and so maybe you pour an entire bottle of wine into an empty Smart Water bottle and it’s white wine so it kind of looks like urine and you’re drinking it IN PUBLIC while having the audacity to wonder why you’re single and constantly hungover.
But I mean, whatever, that type of shit is SO NOT THE POINT RIGHT NOW.
The point is this: while I was sitting around wasting space and being a cheap drunk, some glorious person out there took the time to make a giant wine glass
When I first found out about it, I sat there staring at its pretty little picture, fantasizing over the endless possibilities for a future of me + the glass that was clearly sent to my computer screen by a brothel of angels and I’m scrolling through the page and I see the section where they try to get you to buy corresponding shit by being all, “customers who bought this item also bought…” and then listing things that would complement a big giant wine glass. Except instead of normal shit like a corkscrew or a wine rack or a one way do-not-pass-go ticket to AA, Amazon is all, “Customers who bought this item also bought Boston Legal: Season 3” and I’m like, “Wait, what?” and Amazon is all, “Customers who bought this item also bought the Omron Body Fat Monitor and Scale” and I’m thinking okay, I can maybe understand drinking an entire bottle/glass/bottleglass of wine while watching a season of fake legal drama on DVD, but if I’m going to drink an entire bottle of wine, and I’m going to do it regularly enough to justify purchasing a glass for this specific purchase, you can probably just assume that I never even weigh myself on a regular fucking scale and therefore have zero need to know what my body fat percentage is after I’ve been able to consume an entire bottle of wine without even exerting the tiny amount of energy required to, you know, STAND UP AND REFILL A WINE GLASS.
But Amazon is a persistent and snarky little whore and was all, “Fine, customers who bought this item also bought Oxo Good Grips Locking Tongs with Nylon Heads. And a Neiko Super-Bright 9 LED Heavy-Duty Compact Aluminum Flashlight in Gunmetal. And the 5th edition of a book called Plain English for Lawyers.” Which is when I realized that actually, these things aren’t random and it all makes complete sense because there’s obviously some guy out there who really wants to be a lawyer, but English isn’t his first language and so he’s reading this book and watching Boston Legal and he’s on edition 5 and season 3 because he’s wanted to be a lawyer for so fucking long that he already finished seasons 1-2 and editions 1-4, but he got rejected from law school and started drinking heavily enough to warrant a glass that holds an entire bottle’s worth of wine at once and he got a little carried away with it all and his girlfriend left him for someone who isn’t an alcoholic and drinks manly shit like beer from the can and speaks enough English to get into law school and so now he sits at home and jerks off in the dark with nylon tipped tongs and makes shadow puppets on the wall using his super powered gunmetal gray flashlight.
Which is to say, somebody please buy me this fucking fuck fuck wine glass, stat.
I mean please. I mean maybe not. I mean actually yeah as long as I don’t somehow wind up masturbating with kitchen utensils.
{ 59 comments… read them below or add one }
Holy shit Nicole, that might have been even more of a train wreck (read, awesome) of a post than usual. Hmmm…I wonder if the same company makes a beer stein that can hold an entire 40oz of malt liquor, because that, THAT would make it on my wish list.
Martin, you find that stein, you let me know eh?
You know it, mang.
So…I did a google search and look what I found.
http://deophamdealers.auctionsound.com/?l=2&p...
I absolutely love that I'm inspiring these types of finds. Well done, Martin. Well done.
Um…. http://www.amazon.com/Liter-Machine-Pressed-Glass...
wow i had this at a bar once but never found one for home use!! http://img12.yfrog.com/i/lr7.jpg/
now all i need is a bucket that can hold a 5th of vodka and a gallon of cranberry and ill be good to go.
Just make sure you don't try and masturbate with the wine-bottle-glass monstrosity! That could hurt/get stuck/be difficult to explain in the ER.
omfg. I totally added that glass to my Amazon Wishlist when you tweeted about it (last week?) and I had the same fucking thoughts about the items other people bought. I mean, WTF?!
anyway… thank you for posting this. it makes me feel better. A lot better.
Not just because someone else drinks as much wine as I do, but because someone else was freaked out by the Amazon recommendations that stemmed from such a huge wine glass. I thought… omg… it's telling me I'm fat, that my grammar sucks, that I need to watch Boston Legal and I need to IRON MY CLOTHES?!
whew. ok. that's all.
I just bought Charles Shaw wine for the very first time today–I've never had access to Trader Joe's until we moved, so that's pretty exciting. A bottle may have already disappeared…
I would think (based on the Oxo purchase, because those kitchen utensils were originally designed for old, arthritic people and then were stolen by yuppies), that the person is a stroke victim, who gets too tired to continually refill his/her small glass, and has not worked for so long that he/she has run out of good things to read or watch and is limited to whatever drivel Amazon has left in stock. But then, I haven't had much to drink lately…
Are you kidding me!? What a find. I wanna buy it too. My birthday is coming up…hmmm I WANT!
New plan: let's each buy it for ourselves and *pretend* we bought it for each other. Same thing, yes?
There needs to be a television show of the inner workings of your brain.
Brothel of angels? That can't be right….
ATTENTION: IF ANYONE BUYS THIS WINE GLASS FOR NICOLE AND DOESN'T BUY ONE FOR ME, WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE IN TROUBLE.
Because, uh, what the fucking fuck fuck is Nicole going to do drinking an entire bottle of wine using ONE GLASS if she can't be doing that WITH ME!?
Think here, people. Think.
OMG! I am laughing so hard at this comment tears are coming outta my eyes!
When you're done with that bottle of wine in a glass, let's make out mmmkay?
Um, let's not pretend I wouldn't make out with you sober, mmmkay?
I am devastated that I'm not the only one who referred to Amazon as a persistent and snarky little whore.
Wow…sounds like the kind of logic that would come from somebody who drinks a bottle of wine a night.
How about the next time you leave your house with a bottle of water filled with wine you pick a brand of water that doesn't have a clear bottle….just a thought.
This cracked me up. And I also love the sound of the giant wine glass.
However, I drink more wine than you and the only way i can slow myself down is to drink out of a SMALLER glass than usual. I usually use a sherry glass for that reason…
You should have done some affiliate linking to all of those products. You probably could have made like $2. And we both know what you would have spent that on.
OMG! You really need to be onstage at a comedy club somewheres. Or publishing books like Chelsea Handler. That shadow puppet stuff is killer material:)
Get ready for this: I live in Pennsylvania, which thinks it's god's state. So NO BOOZ IN GROCERY STORES INCLUDING WINE AT TRADER JOE'S. it's reason enough to 1) kill yourself and 2) move. In that order.
This is why we should be friends…I read the beginning of your post and am stopped in my tracks at the idea of a wine glass that holds an ENTIRE bottle of wine so I go to Amazon and look at it. Then I spend another 3 minutes scrolling through the “Customers Who Bought This Also Bought” section cause I am just intrigued by the “Plain English for Lawyers” and thinking “Wow, like drinking an entire bottle of wine out of one glass is going to help anyone speak “plain English” it’s more likely going to be “bdadoghar TILSD^F&(#(PD^G!!!”"
So then after I am done being baffled and highly amused by the other products I close the tab to read the rest of your post and BAM RIGHT THERE IS YOUR ANALYSIS OF THE SAME THING.
I suddenly know what kismet feels like.
(PS – I have a red wine glass/snifter that holds approx 3/4 of a bottle, it is my best friend…but I only fill it halfway cause otherwise I feel like an alcoholic…then I refill it 4 times so the entire effing bottle is finished anyways…)
how do you come UP with this shit!?!! you are so hilarious i love you but i am probably too uncool to be your friend. i will move to san francisco one day though. that is not to say i'll stalk you. really.
Oh god. I'm laughing so hard I'm choking on my spit. At work. Masturbating with kitchen utensils? Bwhahaha…
I don't think I've ever wanted anything more, and entire bottle. Chalked full of awesome.
I'm never going to look at my grippy tonges the same way again…and if trying to go law school doesn't make you want to drink an entire bottle of wine in one sitting, nothing will.
So, I'm going to come visit you. And we're going to drink out of glasses that size. Fuck the rest of that shit though – I just want you and the wine.
In Michigan the Charles Shaw wine is $3! I get so jealous when people from other states brag about how cheap there wine is. Which warrents that you could actually drink three bottles for the same price as me drinking two, which isn't fair because, I want three bottles as well.
And I have a wine glass like that. It's HUGE, holds about 3/4 of a wine bottle and is plastic, you know, just in case you're so drunk from drinking out of this huge glass and drop it.
You should totally get a WineRack (http://www.thebeerbelly.com/winerack.asp), which can hold quite a bit of wine AND make your tits look bigger at the same time…..until you drink all the wine.
It's only for chicks with smaller natural racks though, so if you've got big hooters like me, you're just gonna have to figure something else out.
So, I may or may not have had a similar glass a few years back, except it (allegedly) said some shit like "Texas Jigger" on the side. It would hold a bottle of Night Train Express and a tray of ice. I just wrote "tray of ass" before I noticed and corrected it. Freudian slip? I don't think so, mother. Wait, what was I saying?
I've heard about two buck chuck and would like to say that the cheapest bottle of wine that I can find (and that would be, you know, safe to drink) is about $10.
Can we set up some kind of smuggling ring so I can get in on this?
I think you need one of these too!
http://www.enterliving.com/party.html
i do not judge — Chuck Shaw's Chardonnay is the only Chardonnay I'll drink. So we're both pretty classy.
um i want that giant wine glass. it would be quite dangerous to have around but oh my god that's awesome. you need it, i need it, the end.
So basically, what you're saying here is…you're drunk?
oh my. i just stumbled upon your blog. i think your my new favorite person.
you're. i'm not an idiot. just typing too fast.
It's so weird because it doesn't look so big in the photo. I have a huge wine glass that I got from a wine tasting tour in Santa Barbara. I'd say it fits half a bottle. I call it my hosting glass when I have guests.
This post makes me wish I drank more. (Going to the kitchen now).
LMAO!! I know someone who would love this, they always drink a whole bottle in one sitting.
i love you.
i had NO idea they made wine glasses like that! thank you for enlightening my wine drinking dreams!
Haha! You’re so crazy that I love you. Mwah.
Oh my god. I must have that wine glass and you should too. Please, someone send it to you! Oh, I need to email you too. There might be something exciting happening next month in SF
That's the most amazing invention ever…
I thought wine in a water bottle was the best thing ever, until I saw this glass. Can you take it on the street though, because thats basically my one joy in life these days. Drinking. On. The. Street.
This is one of those post that I was following and then not following and then feeling a little dizzy and then just decided that's probably how I'm supposed to feel reading this. Wow.
I just found you today. Where have you been? Seriously, work will not be the same. I'm printing your posts out so I can put them in a manila folder, kick my feet up with red pen in hand and act like I have some serious shit to review.
Nic, I ain't buying you no nasty big wine glass. But I am sorely and I do mean SORELY tempted to send you some better wine to drink than Two Buck Chuck!
Which kitchen utensils?
You could make a game out of that, find something on Amazon & then figure out how all the things they suggest go together…
thank you. so. much. !!
I need to thank my friend Lindsay for turning me on to you… It's nice to read a non-mormon blog. I now feel like I can let my potty mouth go on my blog and at least one person won't judge.
Oh Em Gee. That is the awesomist thing ever. Giant wine glass FTW.
Two-Buck Chuck is the shit! The Cab is terrific, I think. I live in KC and the closest Trader Joe's is in St. Louis, but whenever I'm going east I stock myself the hell up.
If that guy finds this post, he's going to think, "Shit someone figured me out."
Hilarious as hell, I couldn't stop reading!