deliciously vulgar
From the category archives:
So we’re sitting at the table having Christmas brunch, right, and the phone rings and it’s this loud insane ring that sounds like somebody sped up that old Nokia default ringtone and added a few thousand bells in the background. And I’m like “the FUCK?” and my 80 year old aunt, who doesn’t look a [...]
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So let’s say you’re hanging out with my mom. And let’s say that maybe there’s wine. Except it’s way more than maybe because if you’re hanging out with my mom there’s definitely wine. So there’s wine. And my mom has had some of it. And you’re in the middle of a conversation about health care [...]
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My mother: I can’t believe you didn’t notice. Me: What? My mother: We got a new fridge while you were in San Francisco! Me: That one? It looks exactly like the old one. My mother: It’s a completely different refrigerator. Me: Okay. But it looks the same. My mother: There’s no shelf in the freezer! [...]
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“AM I THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS HOUSE WHO KNOWS THE RECIPE FOR ICE?!” I look up. My mother is standing in the kitchen, waving empty ice trays above her head and growling about how my father and I don’t deserve cold drinks because we are “lazy and insensitive in regard to our ice usage.” [...]
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So. Things have been happening over the past few weeks. Here are some of them, in a notably incoherent order: 1. I woke up on Friday with a deep cut in my pinky finger, no idea where my shirt was, and the worst hangover of all time. Well, except for that time with the 60 [...]
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