Of course I’m still interning for The Bloggess. No way she’ll ever be able to get rid of me now.

From: Nicole The Intern
To: Jenny The Bloggess
Subject: new house. dead fetus. correlation between the two.

The thing about Bolivia is that you can buy dried llama fetuses at something called the Witches’ Market in La Paz because apparently burying a dried llama fetus (or “sullus”) under a new house brings good luck. So much good luck that an estimated 99 percent of all families in Bolivia have one under the foundation of their home and construction workers will often refuse to work in a building that doesn’t have one. And I’m thinking it probably works, because when was the last time you heard of something really bad happening to people in their homes in the greater Bolivia area?

Exactly.

Which is why I tried to go online and order you a dead llama fetus, since I know you’re moving soon, but unfortunately it’s not something that’s sold online. Because the internet is prejudice against Bolivia. I even tried to order one on Amazon because Amazon sells basically everything ever, but all they suggested instead was a book about a sacred mountain and a portable ultrasound machine and I don’t know what’s worse: those suggestions, or the fact that they both make sense to me in a strange and totally fucked up way.

So, in lieu of an actual fetus I’ve attached a photo depicting a pile of dead llama fetuses from said Witches’ Market. Please print it out and bury it under your new house. Because you’re very lovely and I’d be quite distressed if bad things happened to you in the night due to a rampant neglect for Bolivian superstition.

Cool. Thanks.

From: Jenny The Bloggess
To: Nicole The Intern

That’s it.  You’ve just been promoted to Sr. Intern.

From: Nicole The Intern
To: Jenny The Bloggess

Promotion accepted.

I should probably get a “Nicole The Senior Intern” shirt to eliminate any confusion, huh? And to intimidate zombies. Although I might have to tattoo it on my face to intimidate zombies, since they’re pretty hard to intimidate. But wait, maybe zombies are allergic to dead llama fetuses. Like vampires and garlic. And Superman and kryptonite.

It just occurred to me that one of my first duties as Nicole The Senior Intern should be to create a detailed guide on the products necessary to ward off all terrifying creatures. A sort of “how to survive attacks of the other realm” guide for the regular American. I’m thinking eBook, with all sale profits dedicated toward a trip to the Witches’ Market.

This book will probably also require an addendum about which preserved animal carcasses you can take through airport security and which ones you can’t.

See? Resourceful from cover to cover.

From: Jenny The Bloggess
To: Nicole The Intern

I think that book would be extremely relevant.  Also, maybe put something in there about how you can’t mail dogs. Because apparently you can’t, according to the post office.  It doesn’t matter how small the dog is. True story.

From: Nicole The Intern
To: Jenny The Bloggess

In no particular order, I’m thinking that the following chapters should definitely be included in our upcoming book:

- how to tell if your neighbor is a zombie
- what to do once you find out for sure that your neighbor is a zombie
- how to house train a phoenix and bottle it’s wound-healing tears for profit
- how to do battle with a minotaur
- things you can’t mail at the post office because the post office hates animals and meth users
- how to have sex with a mermaid
- how to convince a cyclops to tango dance with a gorgon for your viewing pleasure
- how to ride a dragon (also, why dragons would be a much more environmentally friendly mode of transportation than cars. also, a petition to the white house asking for dragons to be allowed in the carpool lane.)

From: Jenny The Bloggess
To: Nicole The Intern

You just confused “it’s” with “its”.  This is exactly the kind of inattention that will lose us an arm during the zombie battle, Nicole. Wake up!

PS.  Nice touch with the gorgon.

From: Nicole The Intern
To: Jenny The Bloggess

1. That email was sent pre-caffeine. THE HORROR. BIG NO NO. WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN. CAPS LOCK.

II. If we really want to throw the mythical creatures off their game though, I think we should create a new word: its’

c. Additional chapters:

- how to smuggle 16 dead llama fetuses onto an airplane without winding up in jail
- how to capture a fairy
- how to turn a regular horse into a unicorn

You should clearly know by now that I’m interning for the deliciously hilarious Jenny of TheBloggess.com. Here’s our latest round of emails:

From: Nicole The Intern
To: Jenny The Bloggess

Did you have the best birthday ever? Did one of your cult members send you the cure for the common cold? If not, we should probably start recruiting new cult members.

From: Jenny The Bloggess
To: Nicole The Intern

No, and in fact I suspect it was a cult member who gave me the cold. Look into poison recipes. Something that goes well with cookies.

From: Nicole The Intern
To: Jenny The Bloggess

The thing about poison recipes is that there are so many more of them than you’d ever imagine. Like, did you know that everything is basically poisonous and that there’s at least an eleventy thousand percent chance that we’re all going to die from accidentally ingesting the wrong thing? Those might not be the exact stats. I’ll get back to you.

In the meantime, we should probably discuss the ricin recipe I found, which is apparently some really deadly thing you can make with beans that will burn your skin off. Or kill your first born child. Or turn your vagina purple. Or something. Anyway, below the recipe there’s this guy who states in the comments section that he needs poison, but then goes on to clarify that it’s not for a human and only for a coyote and I want to believe him but he wrote the comment at 3:24am and seriously, who the fuck is scouring the internet for poison recipes at 3:24am if it’s not part of some elaborate plan to break into one’s neighbor’s house while they’re asleep, kill them, and steal all their furniture?

So I’ve been doing hardcore poison research, right, Googling shit like “how to make poison” and “what’s the most deadly poison in the history of poison” and Google is giving me SO MANY ANSWERS and trying to get me to mix shit together that I’ve never even heard of, like wisp stalk caps and wormwood leaves and every now and then there’s something I recognize, like venison, and I’m all, “Seriously? Like the deer?” but Google doesn’t have anything good to say back to that because Google hates Bambi and is probably just afraid to admit it.

The Bambi thing was more or less when I started to wonder about the government and Big Brother and whether the stuff we search on Google is recorded somewhere and added together to create a profile of who we are and oh my fuck if this is happening, Obama totally thinks I’m a serial killing porn addict with a fetish for Sarah Silverman.

And I know, I know, none of the above relates directly to your original question of what type of poison goes best with cookies, but I’m thinking that instead of finding a poison that will bring out the flavor of the cookies we should probably just do a two-for-one and bake the poison right *into* the cookies. It’s so much easier to poison someone via warm and delicious baked goods. That cunt in Snow White totally should have thought of that.

So here’s the plan. I’ll bake two batches of cookies, one with poison for whoever gave you that damn cold and one to bribe Obama with so he doesn’t come after me for my pornographic and murderous ways. Only I’m going to have to keep the political cookies separate from the poison cookies so as not to accidentally kill the wrong person. Maybe I’ll buy two really cool cookie jars? Or one totally boring and normal cookie jar and one badass cookie jar like this Mr. T shaped one that on one hand makes me SO HAPPY but on the other hand makes me all, “Um, you have to remove the top of his *skull* in order to access the cookies.”

Life is full of such agonizing trade offs.

From: Jenny The Bloggess
To: Nicole The Intern

Now if someone close to you accidentally gets poisoned those internet searches are totally going to fuck your defense. I’d recommend emailing everyone you know to remind them to avoid poison if they love you because otherwise you’re probably going to jail. From now on you should go to the Apple store to look up that sort of thing. Same thing for sending out death threats and voting for yourself in contests. I think this might be the first valuable thing I’ve actually taught you. My God, I suck at having an intern.

In case you missed it, I’m interning for Jenny of TheBloggess.com. One of my assigned tasks is to make Sarah Silverman be her best friend and to get Amy Sedaris to acknowledge her.

In pursuit of this, I suggested that maybe she follow Sarah Silverman on Twitter, because Amy Sedaris hates babies and life and doesn’t have Twitter, but Jenny was all, “I’m afraid if I follow Sarah first she’ll always have the power in the relationship. She’s totally the kind of person to be all ‘You followed me first, loser’ and even though she’d say it in a charming way we’d both know she’d be right.” And I was like, “Dude, TRUE!” and Jenny was all, “I think we need to break into her house.”

Here are the emails that followed:

From: Nicole
To: Jenny
Subject: Amy & Sarah

Okay, so it’s settled. We’re breaking into Sarah Silverman’s house. In preparation, I’ve done some research. Here’s what I’ve learned, in no particular or even mildly coherent order:

1. Sarah likes playing internet Scrabble.
2. She really likes playing against Alyssa Milano, who lives in her building. This is both excellent and horrible. Horrible because it’s notably harder to break into the kind of apartment building that houses at least two celebrities than it is to break into a single family home. And excellent because Alyssa Milano is pretty hot and maybe we can do a two for one and I can make out with her while we’re inside the building.
3. In October, shooting wrapped for the third season of Sarah’s show, The Sarah Silverman Program, which obviously means it’s funny and people like it and that there will be a fourth season. So I’m thinking that after we break into her house, she might want to use that as material for the show. And then we can be guest stars and reenact it. And we’ll probably be so good that we’ll get even more famous than Sarah, and they’ll boot her off and rename it The Jenny and Intern Nicole Program and then Sarah will be trying to break into our house, which, yes, means that you and I will be living together but we’ll have so much money that we can just live in our own houses on opposite sides of one enormous compound. You can definitely bring James Garfield. You can maybe bring Victor and Hailey. Depends on the size of the compound. And the space demands of James Garfield.
4. Sarah went to NYU. I also went to NYU. Maybe we can hack into a database of NYU Alumi? We would do it nicely though, while wearing all purple in support of a school that’s so gay, their colors are purple and white and their original mascot was a Fighting Violet, which isn’t even a real thing because violets are flowers and how big of a pussy are you if your weapon of choice when going into battle is a fucking violet?? But maybe they have her home address. Or her bank account information. Or both. Leaving us the option of either climbing into bed with her or taking her for all she’s worth. Or, again, BOTH.
5. Apparently, Sarah doesn’t drink alcohol. I just.. I don’t really know quite what we do about that. Because on one hand I’m thinking we totally write her off and start stalking Chelsea Handler instead, because you know that bitch has the good pills, but then on the other hand I think she’s probably an enormous lightweight and it would be pretty easy to spike her lemonade and get her fucking wasted enough to just let us into her apartment, no climbing of the fire escapes required.
6. Sarah claims she’s not getting married until same-sex couples are allowed to do so. I don’t really have much to say about this except for the fact that I’ll TOTALLY pretend to be a lesbian if it will somehow mean you get to be best friends with Sarah. As long as I get to pick my girlfriend. And as long as it’s Alyssa Milano. Shit, or the chick who plays Sloane on Entourage. Or Helen Mirren. What? No? Fine. Ageist.
7. Sarah won a Creative Arts Emmy for writing the song “I’m Fucking Matt Damon,” making our new plan pretty easy. Let’s make a video called, “We’re Fucking Sarah Silverman” and send it to her people. Or leave it playing on repeat on her big TV after we go through all the trouble of breaking into her apartment on a random Tuesday just to find that she’s not home on Tuesdays because that’s the night she goes out for pork dumplings. Except that she’s super Jewish. So maybe she’s at a circumcision party or something.

Okay. I’m off to research Tuesday night circumcision parties that cater to a celebrity audience.

Peace out lady.

**
From: Jenny
To: Nicole

This is kind of meant to be because a few weeks ago Alyssa Milano tweeted something about me and I think she’s following me too so all I have to do is find a way to ask Alyssa Milano if we can use her apartment to break into Sarah’s.  I assume they live right next door to each other since most apartments put the celebrities all in the same area and they probably share a bathroom window so we can sneak in that way.  Then we make a brisket in Sarah’s oven so when she comes home it smells scrumptious and she’ll be all “Who let you bitches in here?  Where’s my gun?  Why are you wearing my clothes?  Wait…is that brisket?”  Then we’ll be all “Yeah, it totally *is* brisket.  Let’s eat, new best friend.”  Then we eat and we laugh.  Nothing is more disarming than a brisket. Also, we need to bring enough brisket for Alyssa too but she’s tiny so like maybe just a quarter pound more.  Also, we need a recipe for brisket.  And a brisket.

My only issue is how do I explain all this to Alyssa Milano through a series of DM’s that don’t make me seem like a crazy person. Maybe I should just ask her if she likes brisket and then show up at her house?

Also, I don’t like to travel and I’m not sure if I can even fit through a bathroom window.  And I don’t even know if they sell brisket where Sarah and Alyssa live so I’m going to have to bring my own brisket from Texas. Last time I was on a plane they wouldn’t even let me bring my tweezers. How the hell am I supposed to get a bloody cow chunk in a cooler onto a plane?  That seems way more dangerous than tweezers.

This whole thing might be too complicated.

**
From: Nicole
To: Jenny

You know, maybe we ARE over thinking it.

Maybe I should just go stand outside some really famous, tourist attracting building in the nude, with “I WON’T GET DRESSED UNTIL THE BLOGGESS AND SARAH SILVERMAN ARE BEST FRIENDS” painted on my body. I could even add, “AND ALSO I’D LIKE FREE MAC & CHEESE FOR LIFE AND FOR SOMEONE TO GET WITH THE DAMN PROGRAM AND CURE CANCER ALREADY,” just for good juju.

Do you think we could fit all of that on my body? I can come to Texas first and let you fatten me up on brisket. More body fat = more surface area for painting, no? Wait, does brisket make you fat? Cookies do. I can eat brisket AND cookies. But maybe not together because I’m pretty sure I’d throw up and bulimia is definitely not part of this plan. And also I’m terrified of vomit.

Oh, and they let *me* take my tweezers on the airplane a few weeks ago without a problem, so I’m thinking you’re being discriminated against and can probably sue the shit out of someone. Which will help when you need to bail me out of jail for all of this public nudity.

A few weeks ago, right before she left for Japan, the hilarious Jenny from TheBloggess.com (also commonly known as MY BIGGEST, WETTEST GIRL CRUSH EVER) posted about how having an intern to research random shit for her, like which animal has claws and is scary but also has a two syllable name that doesn’t start with the letter “n” because she needs it to fight a ninja and their names can’t start with the same letter, would make her life all kinds of awesome.

And I was like, “yeah okay,” and decided that I would be her intern, effective immediately.

Here’s a peek at a few of the emails that followed:

from Nicole
to jenny@thebloggess.com
subject: Nicole The Intern

I’m totally doing what I said I’d do in the PPPS part of my comment. I’m copying and pasting said comment to you in this email, because THAT’S how good of an intern I’d be.

So you can read it here. And on your blog. And over and over again if necessary. Whatever it takes to make you realize that I am now your intern, and that I will respond to “Nicole” or “Intern” or “Nicole The Intern” or even “Girl With The Really Cute Toes Who Likes Porn And Iced Tea,” except that might be kind of long to say out loud and isn’t my job to make your life easier?

Cool. Glad we had this little talk.

The Comment:
Okay, so, here’s the thing. I’m sure there are eleventy thousand other people who are going to be all “I’LL BE YOUR INTERN,” but fuck that. I’m going to be the best intern in the galaxy (See what I did there? I just up and decided that I’m going to be your intern. Because that’s what interns do, they’re helpful and they anticipate your needs and bring you a cookie in the shape of a giant vagina when you’re having a bad day because who doesn’t love chocolate chip labia?) And the answer to your question is a falcon, because they have claws and a two syllable name that doesn’t begin with the letter “n” and are scary as hell because things that can fly are scary and they’d put up the best fight for a ninja because ninjas like to be stealthy and falcons are known for their insane vision and in fact, one species of falcon has even been found to have a visual acuity of 2.6 times that of a normal human.

PS- You better believe I just researched falcons for you.
PPS- I have absolutely no idea what “visual acuity” means, but I could find out. Or I could just MAKE IT UP. Either way, you win.
PPPS- I should probably send this entire comment to you in an email as well, in case you don’t read all of your comments due to how overwhelmingly busy and in need of an intern you are.
PPPPS- My next job as your intern is getting you to read this list of 10 Extraordinarily Useful Japanese Phrases for Travelers. Particularly #3, which translates to: “Oops! I meant to fart but poop came out.” Yeah, you’re welcome. http://bit.ly/OfK6h

So. Yeah. This is when you email me back and are like “Sweet, you’re my intern” and I’m all “Awesome, I’ll put on my tap shoes” and you’ll be like “I prefer interpretive dance” and I’ll be all “Yeah, I don’t have tap shoes anyway, so it’s just as well.”

Sincerely, or with lots of hugs, or whatever the fuck interns say when ending an email,
Nicole
–
Intern Extraordinaire

**
from Jenny
to Nicole

Okay, your first assignment:  I need a list of the most bizarre porn titles ever.  Or find me a potato that looks like Jesus.  Or it could look like someone vaguely famous but not too famous.  Like, Brad Pitt would be too famous but Buddy Holly would be awesome.  Also, I want Sarah Silverman to be my best friend and for Amy Sedaris to acknowledge me.  That last part is more of a long-term goal though.

**
from Nicole
to Jenny

Okay, so, there’s really no feasible way to explain to people why you have 12 different porn windows open at once. Luckily, people know that I’m me and this is probably the least odd thing that will happen in my life today, so I’m all set.

I’ve picked six of the most bizarre porn titles ever because five seemed like too few and ten seemed like too many and I had to cut myself off somewhere because holy fuck have you delved into the world of bizarre porn? This, actually, has been a valuable exercise in appreciation for me, as I now fully appreciate that a) I have a normal looking vagina and b) no one has ever tried to start up a chainsaw while fucking me from behind.

Oh yeah, the porn titles. (Yes, of course those are links. Nothing about this email is safe for work. Good thing you work from home. And from Japan.)

1. Biohazard Bitches (Just what I want, infected needles and men in enormous white suits. Actually, the white suits could be kind of cool. If there was a hole for the penis. Or a way for the girl to climb inside. Or if it was a two person suit. At least inside the suit you’d be protected from whatever biohazard-ey things the porn producers planned to jab you with.)
2. Veggie Bang (As long as they’re not using baby carrots or anything else that could get stuck up there, I’m thinking this is fine. But only if they wash them first, because, you know, pesticides. Or maybe they’re organic veggies. Yeah, that’s probably it. Unless adult film studios are too cheap to buy organic veggies? Bastards.)
3. Crack Whores of the Tenderloin (I’m not sure if the chicks are really on crack. Or if they’re just so excited about the tenderloin sex that they appear to be on crack. And it’s still entirely unclear what the deal is with the tenderloin. Are they having a delicious dinner? Is the dick the tenderloin? Am I ever going to eat meat again? Or maybe they’re referring to the neighborhood in San Francisco called “the tenderloin,” which a friend just told me about in a way that makes me think that he’s probably IN THIS MOVIE and that I should get some new friends.)
4. Executed Girls of Iraq Prisons (I am NOT linking you to this one because, um, you’ll need to quadruple your Xanax to stop yourself from peeling your eyes out with a seafood fork. You’re very, very welcome.)
5. E.T. Alien Sex 2 (If you’re in a private place, or a public place you never want to return to again, you absolutely need to watch the first few seconds of this. Because it’s an alien blowing a human. And it’s hilarious. Of course, you might never be able to not think about it during regular sex again, so maybe skip it? But don’t. It’s too good. And also? Please keep in mind that this is part 2. As in, someone has already made a part 1 and had too many new alien sex ideas, or too ecstatic of a response the first time around that they just had to make a second one.)
6. Oh No, There’s A Negro In My Mom (I… I just… yeah.)

Now, the potato thing. Here’s Jesus on the cross. And here’s some crazy bitch from 2005 who thought she found a potato chip bearing the image of Jesus. And here’s a Buddha’s Hand Fruit that totally looks like Davey Jones. (Yes, it’s actually called a “Buddha’s Hand Fruit,” or sometimes a “fingered citron.” Please draw your own conclusions regarding Buddhism and masturbation and citrus fruit.)

As for Sarah Silverman and Amy Sedaris, definitely a solid long-term goal. At some point, you should make me a NicoleTheIntern@thebloggess.com email address and I will start trying to make that happen. I’m thinking that some sort of charity thing would be a good angle. Famous people love starving children. Or, you know, something that sounds a little less heinous but is equally accurate.
–
Nicole The Intern