I have a client who lives in one of the nicest neighborhoods in Calabasas. Like, stupid nice. Like, “sure you can have my kidney in exchange for a playdate in this backyard” nice. Maybe even “will trade sex for rent” nice.
Maybe.
Anyway, you know who else just moved into this gated community? Britney Spears. And ever since I first heard this magical news I’ve been on a serious quest to find her. So far, the only step I’ve taken is driving around the community with my windows down, blasting Toxic and Oops I Did It Again to prove that clearly, I’ve been a fan since before she was TOTALLY FUCKING CRAZY- with the hope that one day she’ll run outside and invite me in for a shot of vodka and some light petting.
So far though? Nothing. But in the meantime (to stop myself from fantasizing about Britney’s abs in that video with the snake), I’ve been keeping myself busy eating an inordinate amount of string cheese. Like, way too much fucking string cheese. Enough for it to seriously qualify as a new hobby. Which is outrageous because I mean, it’s string cheese, and I’m a grown-ass woman, so really, WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? Because I don’t just eat it, I peel it, like you’re supposed to. Or, like 6-year-olds are supposed to. Because what kind of grown-ass woman has as one of her only hobbies, “eating string cheese to stop from thinking about Britney Spears?” So yeah, I peel it, because I can’t just bite into it- it’s STRING CHEESE, you know? And if I were going to bite the damn thing in half, wouldn’t it just be easier to invest in some REGULAR FUCKING CHEESE?
Also? What’s the deal with Hallmark? I mean, not literally, they sell cards, I get that. It’s the other shit they sell that freaks me out. A basket full of multi-colored rocks that all say, “Thank Jesus,” sitting next to this small statue of a male child bending over in a way that’s NEVER OKAY.
Well, maybe that’s a little harsh. I mean, kids bend over for stuff, fine, I can get on board with that. BUT WHY MAKE A PORCELAIN FIGURINE OUT OF IT? Who’s buying this? Where in one’s house would this even go? No seriously, I want to wait at the cash register to see what fucking pervert buys this. Or maybe it’s not at all dirty and I’ve just seen entirley too much porn and someone should be standing by the cash register waiting for me.
{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }
I can't figure out what's happening in that picture even with your explanation. As for string cheese, I just fly through it too and it never seems to fill me up at all.
I have a friend who once saw Ms. Spears in a grocery store. I am in complete awe of him now.
i think you and Ms. Spears would make wonderful BFFs. (and seriously? i've been secretly wanting to be her friend since before she went all bat shit crazy too. she was HOT in that toxic video, now thats someone i could cuddle with.)
also, when i first openend this up in my reader i only caught a glimpe of the figurine picture and sort of, maybe thought that was you … it had me wondering a little.
and people that bite their string freak me out.
love YOU.
string cheese is always a good idea.
Hilarious!!!! I love string cheese too, I try to pull the strings…I mean thats what their there for, but I end up getting lazy and just chomp away.
The only reason I "get" Hallmark is because I'm from the south. Porcelain figures of pretty much everything are prevalent there… .
1. britney spears is still amazing
2. string cheese is the shit
3. that statue is super creepy in a sexual predator sort of way
Oh the days of Britney Spears and oops I did it again.
String cheese is one of the best things ever invented. I'm 21 and I absolutely love it. There is NO way to eat string cheese other than to peel it. How could you not? That's what it is MADE for.
I'll just add in that I've been a follower for a while and you make me laugh with just about every post. You write like I think, if that makes sense.
You should probably make some instant grits and rub your body in them. I heard britney loves them and maybe the scent will draw her to you.
I was totally peeling string cheese while blog surfing last night. And that kid-doll-thing is creepy.
If you find B.Spears, please let me know and I'll fly out to Cali to join you for those shots. If that's okay. Which it better be.
Ya know, in 8th grade, I recall seeing her "Hit Me Baby…" video for the first time and thinking, "wow, she's so much like us!"
How times have changed.
There's bending over and then there's reallllly bending over.
Britney Spears is my guilty pleasure.
Britney Spears and string cheese in the same sentence? Love it!
Dude, if you're going to eat string cheese, you HAVE to peel it. It doesn't even taste the same if you don't.
As for that figurine. It's not you–trust me–that is NEVER okay.
WAIT.
You live in Calabasas?
So do I!
AND…I was obsessed with Britney pre-she's gone bat shit crazy. So we've got two random things in common.
WEIRD?!
Um. I eat string cheese like that. String by string. Every day. It's so delicious!
i sort of love string cheese and think it's totally acceptable to be eating. totally.
Um, there is NO OTHER WAY to eat string cheese. You absolutely have to peel it, and, if anyone disagrees with me, I say fuck 'em. I eat string cheese that way all day long (not literally.) I (yes, literally) have peeled and eaten string cheese in a meeting at work with the Head of our Studio. YES I HAVE and I still work here. So yes. String cheese. Peel n eat away.
Okay, so, no joke, I was absolutely peeling a string cheese in true 6-year-old fashion as I read this.
I was trying to figure out the picture before I read the Hallmark part and was trying to figure out if the person bending over was Britney Spears… so, yeah, that's a dirty porcelain figurine.
Ooh! I hope you totally run into Brit Brit sometime soon and then tell us all about it. Because, while I live somewhat near her hometown of Kentwood, La., I don't make too many trips that direction. (And neither does she.)
Also, speaking of creepy figurines/statues/dolls, have you SEEN the ones of Bella and Edward that are for sale at Books-a-Million? Because I about had a heart attack when I first saw them. Because they were so effing creepy.
Inappropriate is right! The snap of biting through string cheese is disturbing, and the only time it is appropriate to bite it at all is if you accidentally smoosh it a little when you go to open it. It's crappy, but it happens! =)
You can't bite into string cheese! That's blasphemous. Or something.
Mmmmmmmm. Cheese.
That statue/ doll is strange. WHO would buy that to put on display? I wouldn't.
I hope you get to see Britney. Give her a hug for me and tell her to keep her vagingo covered when people are taking pictures of her. While I'm sure it's a perfectly fine vagingo it's a little embarrassing for the whole world to see it. You know?
String cheese? I eat it both ways, I guess it just depends on how I'm feeling at the moment I'm going to eat it.
I liked Britney spears in the good old days – but bah, now she's just too strange for me.
And, string cheese is still amazing. I'm grown up and I still eat it. A lot.
But wasn't everyone a fan before she went crazy? I don't think there are many people who BECAME fans during or after the breakdown. No?
ahaha, i can't even comment on one thing in this post because it's all so great! as for string cheese (so i guess this is one thing, crap) i will never just eat it. i have to peel it. THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT!
Where exactly did you hear that Britney Spears lives in your hood? Are you sure this is legit information? I think you should buy the porcelain statue and give it to Britney as a gift when you finally meet her.
You're right. It is never ok for a male child to be in such positions.
And Hi Five to your blog for finally remembering me after all this time.
your a sicko and b spears is totally in fucking sane. and u have seen too much more. sicko
This post basically made my life complete. You are seriously too hilarious! Here's to you and crazy-pants Britney. You totally need to stalk – er, I mean look for – her. All the time. And bring your camera.
Okay, that figuring is TOO MUCH. Do you think they would stop selling it if creepy old men were the only ones purchasing it? Because, seriously. Who is buying that? WHO?
I second your string cheese fixation. I just ate some for breakfast. If that is weird, then I have no desire to be normal.
And by "figuring" I totally meant "figurine". Obviously. A-hem.
I Lauve string cheese. I love Britney even if she is BSC. That doll thing is very odd…
LOL I'm reading all of your post titles and thinking, you must get the most interesting search terms!
Britney is really sexy after all these years.