Looking back, I blame the internet. Or maybe I blame The Coffee Bean. Or maybe I blame the fact that the internet wasn’t working at The Coffee Bean.
Because it was noon on Thursday and I was high on iced tea and Firefox kept freezing and then Safari kept freezing and I couldn’t reload Craigslist and I couldn’t search and apply for jobs in San Francisco and then it was 12:16pm and I was like you know what? Fuck this. I’m moving to San Francisco tomorrow.
And then? Well, and then I did. I drove from Scottsdale to San Diego, spent the night at my grandpa’s house listening to stories about his high school girlfriend and a list of reasons why I should start carrying a gun, drove to LA, spent the night stuck in some crazy Santa themed bar crawl, crashed someone’s family holiday party, skinny dipped at disgusting Venice Beach at 1am, got on the 5 North, somehow wound up on the 99 North surrounded by sheep and the inability to access Google maps, and then finally moved to San Francisco on Sunday night.
Except maybe I’m playing it a little fast and loose with the term “moved,” since I have no job and no where to live and I’m staying in a hostel that while lovely on the inside, is in the SKETCHIEST NEIGHBORHOOD EVER and tonight I saw a woman snorting something yellow directly in front of a sign that read “Do not buy drugs on this street” and I’m all, “The fuck? Are the drugs on the next block down fresher? Can drugs be fresh? And also, what yellow thing are you snorting? Isn’t coke white? What else is snortable? Why has no one ever taught me things about drugs?!”
Although I’m thinking that by this time next week I’ll probably be an expert, or a drug lord, because OH MY GOD I’M “LIVING” IN THE TENDERLOIN AND HAVE UNLIMITED ACCESS TO SO MANY NEW FRIENDS WHO CAN ANSWER MY DRUG RELATED QUESTIONS.
So yeah, I’m at this hostel for an indefinite amount of time (basically until someone realizes that I’m awesome and that they need to hire me rightthissecond) and everyone else at the hostel is either old or from New Zealand or in possession of multiple pairs of suspenders.
And I mean, I like suspenders as much as the next person but this moving on a whim to a state with a heinous economy and ridiculous unemployment is making me feel like what I really need is a bottle of Champagne and a blowjob. Except I’m a chick and there just isn’t a female equivalent thing for me to say. So I’ll say it again, I need a blowjob. Whatever that means. And don’t forget the Champagne. And a pair of suspenders.
Posted in: san francisco
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From what I hear, people live in various parts of LA and San Francisco in places like that, only they aren't hostels and they're super-expensive. So you've got that going for you. Which is nice.
And I believe the gender-neutral term is 'head'. For what it's worth.
Excellent use of Bill Murray's Dalai Lama quote, very well done
You are like a kindred spirit of Sydney's and her variation of the same usage: http://sydneyowen.com/2009/12/15/being-direct-unf…
You are crazy and I love you. But let me know if you need someone to come hold your hand and I will be on BART in a jiffy.
YES! COME HOLD MY HAND! Are you back in town? We need to play! Immediately! That's an order! Exclamation exclamation exclamation.
I have two friends who were homeless in Cali for a while. I’m talking slept on benches and did drugs just to stay awake so the cops wouldn’t arrest them. Maybe you guys should talk…
I'm in the same boat, so I thought these links might help. Luckily I have a pretty promising job interview tomorrow, so my unemployment streak may soon be over. *fingers crossed*
http://about.digg.com/jobs
http://twitter.com/jobs
http://www.justin.tv/jobs
http://sfzoo.snaphire.com/jobseeker/
http://www.crunchboard.com/jobs/
http://jobs.mashable.com/a/jbb/find-jobs?sb=4&…
http://www.indeed.com/
As a fellow unemployed blogger in San Francisco, I wish you all the luck in the world (+ all the blowjobs you can get!)
You have such a great sense of adventure! I've been itching to move up that way myself, though am not sure if I will yet. Or when. I stayed at a hostel right next to the tenderloin when I went up that way last April, and yeah, the first night there I went out exploring and wound up getting followed/stalked like right away.
But man do I love that city.
You so tried the yellow stuff didn't you?
nicole. since i know you personally and you write like you talk, i need you to know that i just spent the last five minutes of my life fucking LAUGHING TIL I CRIED. Jesus christ, i hope you get a job soon.
You should try Budweiser and cunnilingus.
Forget the suspenders, too creepy.
And ketamine dealers don't like creepy chicks.
"there just isn’t a female equivalent thing for me to say."
You're right, "cunnili me… cunninlin me… cunni me… cun… you can suck my dick, asshole !" is too long. Plus, "blow me" is funnier.
I would never have the balls to just up and move. You certainly deserve all the blowjobs…or head…or whatever it "should" be called…that you can get!
I hope you get a job soon, whatever type of "job" it may be
Oh gosh, I am too funny…
This was the funniest thing I have ever read.
I had a friend who, well into her late 20s, seriously thought that the word was interchangeable between men and women. Like, she totally would talk about her boyfriend giving her "an amazing blowjob last night" and I would just giggle in my head, because, well…yeah.
Good luck!!!
Where are you staying in SF? You should try to apply to Zynga.
I wish I were brave enough to just pick up and move to a new city. I am enjoying living vicariously through you!
My friend gets lured onto the 99 from I-5 North ALL THE TIME. Shows you for driving in the left lane, speed demon.
she snorted something yellow? Damn. Thats something new, she must have been snorting really really dirty cocaine. (but I totally would NOT know)
I had no clue SF had hostels, and my dear, if you ever need a place to stay that has less drug dealers and crazies (okay maybe a little crazy here.. but different and less PTSD induced).. get on the BART, get off at Dublin (but call me first and I’ll pick you up). Sure the east bay isn’t as exciting as the city.. but we have a cat. and sometimes he runs really fast from the bedroom into the kitchen.
So yeah. fucking crazy stuff going on up in here.
"… but we have a cat. and sometimes he runs really fast from the bedroom into the kitchen."
Done. Sold. Can we get that shit on camera??
Wow. Go you! And, simultaneously, hello neighbor!
I stopped at "blowjobs" but I bet the rest of the post was awesome.
Kidding, kidding – good luck to you – your spontaneity is admirable. Maybe bat-shit crazy, but I think we'd all benefit from a little bat-shittyness every once in a while.
I freaking love your blog.
if you become a drug lord, i bet you'd have even MORE blog fodder. and from what i've heard, more is definitely better.
Congrats on the move, no matter how loose.
Hey sister. B is from San Fran and I have mucho connections there. What are you looking to do? Want a roommate? This whole married thing is stupid anyway. I can be there in 10.
I want to be you when I grow up – only I want to be you with a job and an apartment. Good luck, Cookie! You're going to make it after all!
I'm guessing the yellow stuff was heroin. Say, if you spill heroin or blow, do you have to throw a bit over your left shoulder for good luck? That could get expensive. Next time you see the junkie, ask her and report back to the blogosphere. That should go well…
Wow. Now, now I would totally smuggle that engagement ring into hell. I'd say come hell or high water, but that seems somehow inappropriate.
The yellow stuff is probably meth, just fyi. I grew up in the ungood parts of Phoenix (aka Not Scottsdale), so I'm happy to field any drug questions you may not as yet be willing to ask anyone on hand.
Hope you do well! Or at least have fun. Or at least not die.
You be a drug lord, I'll be an prostitute, and if we don't get a book deal between the two of us, SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THE PUBLISHING WORLD.
Please go write that book you're jonesing to write.
It will be a best seller and then I can say I knew you when you were living in a hostel.
Good luck & love you!
Blow jobs come in alcohol form y’know. Jusssst sayin’.
You do realize what this means, right? That you're now one degree of separation from your first job in SF being a starring role in Crackwhores of the Tenderloin, Part Deux? Oh, the bitter irony
Don't be talking shit about our Santa theme pub crawls, neither. And if you really need a blowjob, I can make some introductions, but no promises
seriously you are awesome and i love that you just up and moved. good luck on the job search and can't wait to hear about more adventures.
A friend of mine swears by this, you've probably already checked it out with all your traveling:
http://www.couchsurfing.org/
I think I might have just fallen in love with you. For reals. If girls were my thing, I'd maybe give you the blowjob you can't technically get. But I do have champagne *and* suspenders.
Oh, that was heroin. I can be your drug lord if you like. I don't live in San Fran or even the state of California but I do live in Texas which is close to Mexico and I think somehow that is relevant when you're a drug lord. Maybe I will make you flash cards. But not in Spanish. Unless you speak Spanish. I don't. I know some curse words though. I guess that is really all that matters when you are a drug lord.
Yes. Please make me drug flashcards (in English) and curse word flashcards (in Spanish). If I'm going to be homeless and jobless, I might as well be learning something.
The "inability to access Google maps" is my biggest fear. Not really, but it's up there. But then again, everything else you described might be part of my biggest fear. In which case, wow that sucks for you. Hope the job search improves. And I hope you get your champagne and blow job. They will make light of any situation.
ha! loved this! that's what i'll be doing next month: picking up and moving my behind to L.A. No job, no place to live (yet), but i'm gonna make the best of it. Not sure about the yellow stuff that lady was snorting…maybe someone sold her the wrong stuff and she was so desperate she didn't notice the difference…i dunno. But good luck!
Terrifying….and yet completely awesome.
I hope you find a perfect job and lots of head soon nicole, it's my christmas wish for you!
I cannot wait to go back to SF and party with you. I can only imagine the shenanigans we'll get into
You probably stumbled across SantaCon / Santarchy….a great tradition that started in SF. We did it in S. FL last year and made a few newspapers and magazines. Few things beat an 8+ hours bar crawl dressed in santa / elf / reindeer costumes. We brought the merry alright.
good luck! i still say you should do freelance writing. you can do it anywhere! location independence! your life seems so fascinating.
Yikes…If I can help in any way, please feel free to email.
Wow, that sounded like my inner monologue. Except I would never be as brave. Good for you!
If you come up with someone to call the female equvalent of a blow job with the same ring to it, please lemme know.
I've never seen a more awesome blog title in my life.
What an adventure! And yeah, sometimes girls do just need a blowjob!
so san francisco isn't as scary as you make it out to be, trust me it grows on you. maybe you arrived under the cover of night and the bum on the street corner is missing a tooth, but for the most part they're friendly, sometimes they spit. but as far as i know, you can't get hepatitis from spit. stay awhile, and you're ♥ sf too!
I live in in SF, fortunately not the Tenderloin. Can you switch to the hostel at Fort Mason? Nicer neighborhood. Wishing you luck in finding work. What king of work are you looking for?
So not to focus on totally the wrong part of this post, but once way back in the day I may or may not have been coming down hard from some alleged substances or other and tried to bump by grinding up No*Doz and snorting it. Things about crushed up No*Doz*: 1) it is yellow; 2) there is more of it than you could possibly imagine in each tablet and snorting it takes like twenty minutes; 3) if you go to tae kwon do class afterwards, you will have insane hallucinations and probably pass out, much to your woozy, dehydrated mortification.
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