So last week, my 106 year old male gynecologist put me on a new kind of birth control pill. Because the kind I was on before was costing me $62 a month. Which, granted, is cheaper than having a fucking baby- but STILL. $62 a month? That’s over 50 packs of gum. Or 10 shots of tequila. Or a tiny fraction of the ambulance bill I’d need after 10 shots of said tequila.
Anyway, this new kind of pill is only $24 a month, which is thrilling, but here’s the thing: actually taking the pills is SO CONFUSING. I’ve spent the past nine years or so on the kind of pill that comes in a round pack and I’m used to the three different color pills that you just go around the circle taking one every day. That shit is pretty much impossible to mess up.
But these new pills? I opened them the other night and saw that 1. they’re arranged in a fucking rectangle, and 2. they’re ALL THE SAME COLOR. Which is when I totally freaked out because, um, WHERE THE HELL DO I START? Where’s the first pill? They’re all white! WHAT’S GOING ON??
I took a deep breath. Clearly, the only sensible thing was to read the directions, but when I pulled out the pamphlet I saw that it was like eleventy thousand pages long and basically superglued together. It seriously look me approximately six minutes to open the damn thing and when I finally started scanning through it, I was all, “where the fuck is the English section??” HELLO- I’M NOT HAVING SEX IN JAPANESE.
It was at about this point that I started seriously questioning the need to be on birth control at all, because really? having a kid would be a lot less stressful than figuring out how to take these damn pills in the first place.
Finally, I found the section I was looking for, the section that was like, “here’s a diagram on how to just fucking start your pills already.” And I was all, “THANK YOU.” And it was like, “so here’s when you start the pill if it’s your first time taking birth control, but here’s what you do if it’s Sunday, and here’s what you do if you miss a day, and if you’re blonde, and if it’s the twelfth Monday of January and you’re doing a naked tribal dance in the rain.” And I was all, “I JUST WANT TO HAVE SEX WITHOUT GETTING PREGNANT.” And it was like, “oh okay, but here’s what you do if you start vomiting, or if you get blood clots, or if you think you’re having a stroke.”
Which is when I screamed, gave up, and just took what I hope was the first pill in the pack. Making this the post to come back to about a year from now when you’re watching one of those “I didn’t know I was pregnant until I had a baby on the side of the freeway” shows and you think, “wow, that looks a lot like that one chick who’s always blogging about tequila and her vagina.”
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I'd be confused taking the in-a-circle pills. Mine are a rectangle and it's not hard to mess up–it's arranged like a calendar, Sunday through Saturday!
What kind of crazy birth control are you on? Are the placebo pills the same color too? Because mine come in a rectangle and the pills are white but the placebo pills are brown and also taste like poop and grass combined. Fun times!
I take Yaz and it's pretty easy. A rectangle and I have these stickers of the week that I put on the pack when I start so I know if I've skipped a day. The active ones are pink, nonactive are white. Very easy. Strange that yours don't say anything.
That's funny, I just switched pills too and my old ones were in a rectangle and that made so much sense to me. My new one is in two circles and it took me forever to figure out how to do it.
But I've never heard of the placebo pills being the same color as the active pills. Or do you have one of those 21-day packs without placebos?
I totally feel you in this whole being utterly confused state of mind. I take the in-a-circle pills too, and if I had to swap to the rectangle, all the same color pills I would probably pass out on my floor the minute I opened the package. I don't think I even would have made it to the direction. So, congrats….you doing tons better than I probably would be in your situation.
(P.S. I'm still new to your blog, but I am loving it. Definitely entertaining!)
I am all about the circle. It works for me. It would be too strange to change now…. Although it could make for some entertainment for the hubby…
Hahaha. Mine are in a rectangle and all white, and there's only 21 of them because I just don't take a pill when I have my period. Basically just start on one, and the next night take the next one and so on. When you've gone through the whole pack take a week off while Aunt Flo comes to visit and then start over again!
I think I would be confused with the round kind you speak of!
See, this is why I use the rhythm method.
One? I fucking love you. Two? I’ve never had anything but the rectangle pack so the circle on scares the crap out of me. Three? I don’t have my laptop back yet so I’m reading and commenting FROM my phone. And we both know how silly trying to type in CAPS is on your phone. And four? SEE YOU ON THURSDAY. Caps and all.
Between you and me, how often do you do a naked tribal dance in the rain really?
I mean, you always say you're going to, but…
I know it's not much cheaper than what you were paying before but… seriously… Nuvaring.
I may die of a blood clot soon because I keep seeing commercials on TV saying that it has a higher risk of blood clots than the pill and oh, do I know someone who has had blood clots while on the Nuvaring because if so than I/they can sue the pants off of someone.
But I'm not getting preggers… so, that's good, right?
Mine have the days written above each pay – can't fail! lol
Did it also come with the stickers for each day of the week to put at the top of the pack? Like, if you start on a Tuesday there is a sticker row labeled Tues-Monday on it? I can't explain it, but I had some issues with the stickers.
lol Start at the top left! Top left!! =)
Honestly – I'm with Shelley , the nuvaring rocks. No worrying about taking pills, or about taking pills at the right time according to other time zones when you're traveling, and you can remove it for 3 hours at a time if you are so inclined. I'm a fan.
WHA? Ok that's just confusing. I have the circle one with the 3 different colors. It's totally easy to understand and I love it (minus the, ugh, price). Rectangle? Restrictions? A baby really would be easier!
You are too funny!!!
Its been years, literally since I've been on birth control (I'm celibant). But I totally remember those darn pamphlets that came with them. i too had a circular container of pills. Normally there's at least one row of pills a different color. Yea I guess your situation could possibly be that 1%..jk.
Mine have always been in a rectangle… but the nonactives are always at the bottom and always a different color… I never take them. If I ever get back into film production, they're going to be used as props.
I'm looking forward to when they finish testing for the male birth control pill/shot/whatever. Then they can deal with the whole mess as well.
I hate the pill. I take medication every day for my arthritis and I still couldn't remember to take my birth contol pill. Problem? Oh yes. Most definitely. Then I tried the god-awful patch. Worst mistake of my birth control taking life. But now I'm with NuvaRing and we love each other. And the fact that I can forget about it for a full m onth makes life better. But, somehow, I think your insurance would be even MORE for this.
So. The rectangle. Upper left hand corner is usually the best place to start.
And don't worry, when you call me from the side of the freeway having the baby you didn't know you were pregnant with? Well, I'll be there. 
To help you sell it.
When I switched to the rectangle pills, I was always afraid it wouldn't work. Like the color on the round pills made it work better or something. It was terrifying.
Now I am off BC all together. Soon we are trying to have a kid – so we have to rely on condoms alone – that is scary. Which ones to you get? so many choices.. it overwhelms me.
You could always try the Neuva Ring… that's what I use and it is easy breezt! Insert and your done until next month? Screw those Japenese crazy maybe or may not get you pregnant?
Can I just tell you something really quick? It's my body, I'm going to tell you ANYWAY.
Ok.
So I went to my first male gyno – it was the first and motherfucking last time I went to him. When he looked at my vagina, he said "Wow. OK. Here we go!"
WTF DOES THAT MEAN?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?
Do yourself a favor and get something like the ring. No confusion there, haha!
agreed nuvaring is super easy. BUT some insurance companies don't cover it because it's expensive, or it's limited coverage. Like mine is $40 a month now because my insurance changed the way it's classified.
i've never had the round pack, i'm a yaz girl all the way. not physically taking something every day would scare the shit out of me to be honest.
also? SEE YOU THURSDAY.
love you.
I am going in to get and IUD inserted so I don't have to worry about it for like 5 years. I'll let you know how that goes. I hate taking a pill everyday, but for some reason the nuvaring kinda scares me. I don't know why it just does.
I was on NuvoRing for a lot of years – it was fine with me in college, although looking back, I think it killed my sex drive, which is a side affect a lot of ppl talk about.
But then I went off it for four years and tried to go back on last year, and had a TOTAL freak out after doubling the ring up two months in a row to skip my period. I'm talking a huge freak out – anxiety, panic attacks, couldn't stop crying for three days, had to go to the doctor, couldn't get out of bed, felt like there was a brick on my chest, had to call in sick to work. It was horrible – major hormone overload. Then I looked into it, and read a lot of stuff about girls having similar problems with the ring – anxiety, etc.
I opted to go hormone free with the copper IUD that you don't have to ever, ever think about or worry about for 10 yrs, or less, depending on when you want to take it out. It was painful as hell to put in, but worth it now that I don't think twice about it. I hear the Mirena IUD, with hormones, is super great too if hormones aren't a worry for you!
Good luck! Finding the right BC for your body and needs is really challenging and frustrating!
haha i think if i switched to a circular pill thingy i'd get incredibly confused. i've used a rectangular one foreva and love it, haha.
I so totally hear you! Australia has TOTALLY different BC from home and so I recently had to switch when my old prescription from Canada ran out. Eugh. Seriously, the most confusing little rectangular pack ever. And the sugar pills are on one end in their own little circle? SO nutso. If the nice doctor lady hadn't explained it all in the language of a 6 year old, about 10 times over I'd have absolutely no clue what to do.
Have you really never seen a calendar – also a rectangle with days that go in order?
ooo let me know how you like it (i'd say let me knwo how it works, but that only means- it doesn't work if you get preggers lol) i feel ike the BC i'm on currently makes me batshit crazy so i might need to change it up!
Haha. I've never taken the round pack of pills before, so I'd totally be thrown off with those. It makes me laugh when I think about to the first time I took birth control (three years ago?) because I read the ENTIRE BOOKLET before taking the first pill. Awesome? Yes.
See you Friday!
first time reading your blog. basically, this is the best blog everrrr. bookmarking it! hahaha.
your fucking weird.
DUDE. Top left. Like you're reading. Are you on the kind that come in a really pretty little lavender pack? I was on those a few years ago and I hated it because they came in this really nice case EVERY SINGLE MONTH and I felt like I should… save them? Or something? But there is literally nothing you can do with them except store birth control.
What kind of birth control did he put you on? I'm on Kariva, and it's a whopping $10/month ('cause I'm a grownup with awesome insurance), and practically impossible to mess up. First row, left to right, labeled Sunday-Saturday, blue pills for "that" week…
Wow. Are your new pills monophasic or triphasic?
hahaha, i've always had the rectangle pack, so the round pack would probably mess me up just as much.
you are hilarious.
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