Let’s take a poll. Do you think it’s racist to make declarative statements about a certain group of people even if the statement you’re making is a nice thing?
If your answer is yes, you should definitely stop reading this post because it’s racist as shit. If your answer is no, then OH MY GOD WHY ARE ASIAN BABIES SO MUCH CUTER THAN ALL THE OTHER BABIES?*
Whenever we see a baby like this out in public, I always tell James Bond that I’m going to put it in my purse. He thinks I’m kidding, but the truth is that at any given moment in my life I’m approximately 7 seconds away from going all Angelina Jolie on these super cute Asian babies, taking them home with me, and tattooing their birth coordinates all over my body.
(Don’t look at me like that. Of course I know that stealing other people’s babies on the 3rd Street Promenade in Santa Monica isn’t the same thing as adopting needy children from other countries. BUT STILL.)
Anyway, the other night when Drea was over I started a Pinterest board dedicated solely to pinning photos of cute Asian babies, an activity that has now replaced “sleep” and “water” and “real life three-dimensional friends” on my list of important things to do.
When I first showed Drea the big-glasses-small-Asian-child photo, I made her close her eyes. I’m all, “No seriously, close your eyes, I have to show you something SO AMAZING.” So she closes her eyes but then she’s like, “Dude, this is really weird. Don’t put anything near my face. What’s near my face?!” because I have the computer screen really close to her so that as soon as she opens her eyes it’s all CUTE ASIAN BABY, right fucking there, but I’m laughing so hard at being the kind of creepy motherfucker who makes her friend CLOSE HER EYES prior to being shown a close-up photo of someone else’s child from the internet that I’m basically wetting my pants. So she opens her eyes and looks from the photo of the baby to the tears streaming down my face to me crossing my legs so the pee won’t come out and then she starts laughing hysterically and we’re both collapsing on the couch in our almost-pee laughter tears and James Bond is looking at us and shaking his head like, “WHAT IS MY LIFE” and then we clicked over to the page that shows you all of the photos that have been added to Pinterest from the same website as the photo you’re looking at, but instead of finding a collection of photos that included our cute Asian baby photo, we found page after page of people who had all pinned THIS EXACT SAME PHOTO, which made me realize that, overall, the world is a very good place.
Except wait, actually, a little later that night we also found an online shop that sells “life-like baby replicas” and hey, guess what, on a scale from one to that super cute baby with the glasses, these dolls are like a negative eleventy billion.
Like, what the fuck? WHO’S BUYING THOSE? Especially because they’re priced at like two thousand dollars on Ebay.
TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS.
FOR A SCARY FAKE BABY.
FROM FUCKING EBAY.
I mean, if people are seriously spending that much money on dolls from the internet, we’re all in the wrong business. Especially because they don’t have any cute Asian ones, which would clearly be worth so much more.
*Non-Asian mothers of the internet, please don’t yell at me. I’m not saying that your baby isn’t cute. I mean, I guess I might be saying that because not all babies are cute (WHAT? THEY’RE NOT), but yours probably is. It’s just not as cute as this baby. Or this baby. Unless, of course, the baby in either of those two photos actually is your child, in which case, CAN I PLEASE COME OVER AND FUCKING BABYSIT FOREVER?!?
Posted in: day to day shenanigans, james bond, life 2.0, wtf?!
{ 54 comments… read them below or add one }
I feel this exact same way about little black babies. Sorry, little African-American babies. How politically incorrect of me.
My best friend in high school felt (feels, probably) the exact same way and that’s exactly what this whole post made me think of!
ME! TOO! The hair, it’s the hair. God, how incredibly stereotypical of us, no? BUT SO CUTE AH
Why are Asian babies like a jiggety jillion times cuter than American babies? If I were to pop out a little Asian girl, then I *might* (but probably not, still) consider procreating after all.
Asian babies are definitely the cutest! And that photo is so adorable!
So, I opened all the links in this post in new tabs so that I could click over to them when I was done reading, and so I clicked on one expecting it to be an awesome Asian baby and I looked at this…THING and was like, WHAT THE FUCK THIS BABY IS CREEPY, NICOLE YOU HAVE THE WORST TASTE IN ASIAN BABIES. But then I realized I was looking at the ebay creepy baby doll. Crisis averted.
When my niece (aka the world’s cutest child EVER) was born, and was SO LITTLE, my dad and I began commenting that “big babies are ugly.”
Everywhere.
Rather loudly.
I do a lot of online dating, and whenever an Asian guy sends me an e-mail, my one friend says “THINK OF THE BABIES.”
Totally agree. Let’s get Asian husbands and pop out a litter of asian babies (SORRY JAMES BOND). I feel like if they were playing and all rolling around in playpen, we could probably get YouTube famous for making the cutest video ever. There should probably also be a puppy somewhere in the mix.
Probably one of my favourite post intros I have read ever. Mostly because if the answer was yes, there wasn’t even time to click away before they got punched in the face with adorable sweeping statements. I respect that.
Also, I feel bad every time I put my superfluous Canadian ‘u’s into words in comments on your blog. I feel like I should be playing by American rules. Should we fight about it?
My favourites are the African-Asian mixed babies, so so adorably beautiful, love them. I sound like I’m talking about a vase or type of flower.
Now I want to sing “Everyone’s a Little Bit Racist” from “Avenue Q.”
Ben, I spell my words with extra “u’s” & I’m not Canadian…but I grew up in Europe so maybe that’s why. Whatever, the “u’s” make the words better, I say.
Okay, first things first, that baby replica thing on Ebay totally looks like an alien. I’m….just going to close that page now…..
Secondly, and this is where *I* might come off as a little racist, I think Asian babies may have just taken the lead over African American babies in my mental hierarchy of baby cuteness. (Okay, but seriously, how cute is HE?! http://www.jobsforafricanamericans.com/african-american-baby-name/images/african-american-baby-1.jpg )
Thirdly, thank you, Nicole, for putting into words what I never wanted to say. Though I may have to fight you for the privilege of babysitting those supercute Asian babies. Or ply you with desserts until you give in. I don’t know, it’s a coin toss.
For me it’s not the Asian-ness that makes that picture cute. It’s the enormous glasses. Too cute.
My cousin’s baby just started having to wear glasses – she’s less than a year old! She has these TINY pink glasses. Her father calls her Professor Baby.
i get it. i like black babies.
I was an ugly Asian baby.
DOUBT IT!
I love African American baby boys. SO CUTE.
Not all babies are cute. It’s a cold hard fact. Those fake stillborn looking dolls are even less so. That is not okay. Asian babies? Very cute. I hope James Bond is of Asian descent but I’m guessing maybe not as you would likely be pregnant already.
My babies, though non-Asian, were fucking ridiculously cute. Just saying.
P and I talk about this constantly. Not the cute Asian baby thing, but about how not all babies are cute. He has a friend with a very NOT cute baby. I’m terrified ours won’t be cute and we just won’t know it, because we’ll obviously be biased and people NEVER TELL YOU YOUR BABY IS UGLY.
sorry guys. as fun as babies are… the exotification of particular baby groups – even for their epic cuteness – not quite okay.
Yeah, not all babies are cute.
You’re totally right! Not all babies are cute and in fact, most babies resemble spidermonkeys when they first get all birthed and stuff.
Also, I hear China is really into getting rid of all their babies. Like I’m mostly certain they shoot them out of those hot dog gun things at Hockey games. Like when you leave the airport everyone gets a free cute Asian baby. I’m so going to China or making all my friends who go to China give me their free cute baby.
i basically feel that way about all babies. and toddlers in glasses. it’s just too damn precious.
Asian mixed babies are the cutest. Not just my own Asian-white kid, but any Asian mixed with anything else. It’s officially a formula for adorable.
Oh hey. See? So much win.
-former half-Asian baby.
As I’ve said, you add Asian to anything, and it’s automatically better, says this Korean girl.
I think you missed the part on ebay where the shop owner pointed out that the fake babies are: “~Filled with glass beads, baby fat & faux fleece~
BABY FAT. THEY ARE FILLED WITH BABY FAT.
Creepiest thing I’ve seen on the internet this week.
I came to comment exactly that – I am shocked that there are not more comments on the “filled with baby fat” part of that horrific fake-baby-for-sale-page. That’s actually the most terrifying thing ever and so incredibly creepy that I need like 487 pictures of Asian babies to make myself feel better.
Thank you for not making me the only one stragely obsessed with tiny asian babies.
So much cuter than other babies.
true story: I have been espousing the completely racist theory for sometime now that the reason why asian girls (so hot) get with asian guys (not so universally hot) is because they know they need asian guys to create adorable asian babies.
See, now everyone is distracted from your positive racism to my less positive racism. You’re welcome.
My mom always said ugly men make pretty babies. So maybe your theory works.
As a former half-Asian baby (now a fully-grown half-Asian lady and even so I’m barely breaking 5′ tall), I have to agree that Asian babies are corrupting human standards of what a cute baby should look like. So don’t worry, it’s just all part of the master plan. Er, I mean… I’ve said too much already.
Also, what’s with the dolls? Seriously.
Please dear god tell me that you know this song….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gFvk2PKYV0
In regards to the fake babies on eBay- In the description section of the baby(who as a matter of fact looks more like an alien than a baby) it says 3/4 very detailed limbs…..We happen to have 4 limbs(well most of us), so does that mean only 3 of the 4 limbs are detailed? Why only 3? Did they run out of time? Was the fake baby fake moving so they couldn’t complete the 4th limb? This is just weird.
THIS IS WHAT I’M SAYING
Oh Nicole. This post made me miss you. A kid in my class said that he thinks human babies are made of whale blubber. This picture you posted made me think of that. I routinely find myself near the kindergarten end of the school and have more than once said that a kid is so cute I want to put it in my pocket and take it home. APPARENTLY NOT A COOL THING TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE A TEACHER.
I also just let myself daydream and imagined this kid in the photo reciting The Declaration of Independence and almost hugged my computer screen. Asian babies + Anything that reminds me of The West Wing = THE BEST THING.
that’s pretty much the biggest reason why i’m teaching english in south korea….i get to hang out with 10 five year olds for seven hours a day. my day consists of telling them how adorable they are followed by them trying to stick their faces in my bag of cheese pretzels because “Teach-uh, it smell nice!”
cutest baby ever award. oh my goodness.
Dude have you seen Modern Families? F*cking love that adorable Asian kids. She just stands there and looks adorable.
My husband is half Japanese. My mother has this strange obsession that she has always wanted an Asian baby named Liza. She is convinced I will fulfill her dream. 1. My baby will only be 1/4 Asian, and therefore will not completely fit the bill, and 2. Liza? No.
Also, she sends me pictures of Asian babies and kids saying, “maybe this is what your baby will look like!” One kid was clearly CHINESE. Like 100%.
God help me.
I’m Korean by birth .. Italian by adoption. I have ALWAYS thought that Asian babies are the cuter babies (sorry, while folks). My sister, who’s Italian-American, has told me on numerous occasions that she’s steal my first born. I told her that if she wants an Asian baby, she should adopt one! So many to choose from! She said, “Why bother when I have my own Asian-baby-making-machine?”
Even cuter than Asian babies, sometimes, are the mixed ones. Whasians?! BLASIANS?! Oh gosh, so adorable. I’m pretty excited because I don’t even have to TRY and I get to shove those adorable, slanty-eyed bundles of OMGCUTENESS out of my va-jayjay!
this is too awesome of a post and not just because I’m Asian myself. I’m also prone to vaguely or blatantly racist comments that … just… mean… good things. I’m not alone.
In defense of the ebay thing, if you buy the ugly alien fake baby, it will be shipped to you for free. Okay no I’m not really defending them. G.R.O.S.S. Who actually buys those things?
But the rest of the pictures are so adorably cute. I have my own (non-asian, 100% caucasian and also super adorable) baby- and yes, she is totally the cutest baby EVER- but those asian babies are a very, very close second.
I love you.
Asian babies really are the cutest. I live in Korea and whenever I see an adorable Korean baby, which is often, my ovaries hurt so bad they want to burst.
ME TOO! every time i walk around in Seoul, my ladybits are all “GOOD MORNING! LOOK AT ALL THE ADORABLE BABIES! LET’S MAKE SOME!”
I pretty much share all baby related opinions with you. When my husband spies an asian baby out in public before I see it he always prefaces it with “You can’t steal that baby.” What makes it worse is one of his best friends married a lovely lady from China and they have THE FUCKING CUTEST asian babies you have EVER seen! Every time I talk to said friends I tell them I’m going to steal their babies one day.
have you seen this? cute Asian babies giggling over a water spray: http://vimeo.com/23607973
head exploding from cuteness. had to share
I have seen plenty of Not cute babies & that cute little thing in glasses us Not one of those ugly babies. Adorable.
My sister-in-law once paid a lot of money for a baby meant to look like a life size replica of my husband when he was a baby. Apparently she didn’t get one if herself cause she thought he was cuter as a baby than she was or something, I don’t know. Either way it was creepy &i was afraid it was going to come to life & eat someone. Reminds me of that one you shared with us. Why people spend money that I do not understand.
Ok, so this video might be a little bad (if you think spraying kids in the face with water is bad).. BUT its the cutest Asian baby video ever!
http://perezhilton.com/2011-07-12-spray-kids-in-the-face-with-water
How are you so hilarious?
Also, Susan…I just laughed out loud and snorted when I read that your friend’s husband calls their glasses-wearing child “Professor Baby.”
that cute lil’baby looks like my daughter Ayesha Johan Tan so cute..She also like to wear big eye glasses all the time..
I love me some Asian babies too! Let’s go to China and adopt them all. I have no idea how I would pay for that since I can barely afford Chinese food for fuck’s sake! They have a lot of girl babies for adoption in China. It makes me sad that I can’t afford to adopt one of them. If you adopt an Asian baby, please invite me over to coo over her/him. I promise I won’t take her/him home with me. No…that’s not a car seat in the back of our car. Ahem.