At some point over the last, like, forever, I got added onto an absurd amount of email lists. So many email lists that I’m pretty sure there’s someone out there who hates me and gets off to repeatedly submitting and resubmitting my email address to all the possible newsletters in the history of newsletters and laughing maniacally about how I’m getting daily updates from the Republican Party and Monster.com and oh my god could I possibly be any LESS Republican or any less on the job hunt??
Initially, my technique was to just delete the newsletters as they came in, unopened, until I finally realized that um, if I want the horror to stop I have to actually unsubscribe to each newsletter individually. So I did. I diligently opened each one, scrolled to the bottom, clicked unsubscribe, got taken to a ridiculous webpage asking me questions about why I was unsubscribing that were always multiple choice when really they should have been fill in the blank so I could be all, “BECAUSE I’M AN EMPLOYED DEMOCRAT AND BESIDES WHICH I NEVER SIGNED UP FOR THIS OBNOXIOUS ASS EMAIL IN THE FIRST PLACE THANK YOU GO AWAY THE END.”
And then? Well, and then a sigh of relief. EXCEPT NOT. Because apparently clicking unsubscribe and telling the website why I’m unsubscribing isn’t enough. And so the emails keep coming and coming and coming. And not in the good “that’s what she said” way. In the bad way where it’s like, “oh my actual actual GOD, enough already with the never ending newsletters about frozen yogurt and shoes and why aren’t all customer service issues dealt with by the wonder that is OnStar where you simply push one single button and you’re connected to a REAL LIVE PERSON who tells you their name and asks what you need and then does that EXACT THING in a timely manner while being overwhelmingly pleasant and sometimes even asking about the weather??”
So yeah, I basically want an OnStar-like entity to follow me around and run my entire life and yes that’s exactly as Big Brother-ey as it sounds but I mean can you imagine? “Oh hello there Nicole, you’re looking exceptionally gorgeous this morning. Love the pigtails. Would you care for an orgasm and some French toast? And the most recent US Weekly? And a massage by John Mayer? And the ability to exercise while drinking tequila? And some new shoes? And an explanation as to which lips that Vegan Vulva Lip Balm should be used on? And to never be on another unwanted email newsletter list ever ever ever? Excellent, I’ll get right on it and in the meantime here’s $100.”
TELL ME THAT WOULDN’T BE THE ABSOLUTE GLORY HOLE LIFE
HOW CAN WE MAKE THIS HAPPEN
NO SERIOUSLY
HUGS AND KISSES AND LEPRECHAUNS FOR EVERYONE
I’M PROBABLY JUST GOING TO KEEP YELLING UNTIL I GET WHAT I WANT
OR UNTIL I LOSE MY VOICE
OR UNTIL SOMEONE BRINGS ME A BIG HOT SOURDOUGH PRETZEL BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS SO DAMN DELICIOUS RIGHT NOW
HI MOM
Posted in: wtf?!
{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }
Mmmm pretzels with mustard… You need an assistant girlfriend – hire an intern – They're FREE!!
I started getting a newsletter for bloggers who blog about 'hot guys' that kept including videos of FRESH! NEW! MODELS! GETTING! NAKED! and I was all, 'I'm never blogging about that noise. Unsubscribe.' but now I kind of miss the emails of model nudity and can't remember the name of the site.
BE YE NOT SO STUPID.
This is probably NSFW, but…this site cracks me up: http://www.mynewpinkbutton.com
You know, in case your pretty parts aren't as pink as they used to be.
My favorite customer review: "I got the ole misses some of this cooter cream cause although she is a classic let's just say she wasn't garage kept. We both enjoyed ourselves as I waxed her squack and the dye really brought out the original finish. My only question comment is that I wish it had that new car smell, or maybe leather. But anyway, I've been inside my wife all week and it's been a great ride."
Oh. My. God. Yes.
OH DEAR LORD. I'd say I would REALLY like to know who, exactly, is married to this class act, but then all I would do is think about her waxed squack, original finish, and lack of new car smell.
I have the secret to helping you get rid of all of these newsletters forever! Just sign up to receive my blog via email to get your semi-daily dose of tips and tricks and chapstick and delicious cold treats.
Um, get a spam filter and mark them all as spam? Then your On-Star entity could massage your feet instead.
But, the customer review – that's fucking hilarious!
You really do need your own intern.
I FREAKIN' HATE THOSE THINGS! Where do they even get my address from? Fucking spam. Seriously.
such an easy answer: black amex. duh a million.
ps. if you use gmail WHICH YOU DO and click "mark as spam" they automatically unsubscribe you.
Yeah, if someone can tell me how I can stop Viagra from sending me a million emails everyday, I would love them forever.
The universe hates me.
you just need a personal assistant to go through your email, who also has awesome contacts in the entertainment industry and who can get you off. is it still considered prostitution if it's written in the job description?
So… what were you googling when you found that lip balm?
Vegan Vulva Lip Balm . . . what?
There are so many things that you miss out on being a guy. "sad face"
i am so on board for the on-star thingy to follow me around and give me french toast and $100, that would be all sorts of magical.
I was gonna say something, but then I clicked the link for the lip balm and… what?? What just happened here?
Wow, isn't it illegal to subscribe people to mailing lists without their knowledge? it is here in New Zealand. Maybe ask the President to make it a rule?
Is there an application video for that Vulva lip balm?
I have a friend who might be curious about it.
Everyone needs moisturizing every so often–it must be for people in the desert, Arizona maybe? Where the camels are? Prevent camel toe? Is that going too far?
You wonder where the lip balm should go? Did you look at the rest of the stuff in the store? Who would want or wear a giant vulva round their necks or have a vulva ornament? And are they molded from her actual body cause that would be a bit odd
I know right?! SO MANY QUESTIONS
I see you have 69 points. …
Not surprised.
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"and you're connected to a REAL LIVE PERSON who tells you their name and asks what you need and then does that EXACT THING in a timely manner while being overwhelmingly pleasant and sometimes even asking about the weather. … "
It's called a Phone Sex Line.
I wonder how many people there are out there wearing vaginas around their necks?! I have to know!
Also, on an un-vagina-related note, how about cheese sauce with that pretzel??
Fucking fuck fuck. Clearly, because I can't feel or think anything that you don't, NOW I WANT A GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING FUCK FUCK APARTMENT PONY HORSE VAGINA PRETZEL.
You're not here right now.
Come home to my bosom.
The "HI MOM" at the end got me. BRB, dying of cry-laughter.
I hope your mother googles glory hole.
The picture on that lip balm reminds me of Richard Karn. I hope somebody brings you a pretzel soon – sounds like you could use one.
The newsletters totally kill me, too, because not once have I EVER signed up for those. Meh. Here's to hoping we both can unsubscribe quickly.
And I second what Doni said. You should get an intern.
No, the unsubscribe button is a trojan horse! Read my message above. Best to mark it as junk…:)
Wait, I need clarification. Is John Mayer wearing a muzzle in this scenario 'cause I'm going to need him to not, you know, SAY anything. Otherwise, I'm totally in. Where do I poke?
You ever get the ones where after you click "unsubscribe" it takes you to the web page where you have to declare that you seriously want to subscribe and then they're all, thanks but this will only unsubscribe you from XYZ, you will still continue to receive mail from ABC, and you're all WTF I never subscribed to any of this so remove me from ALL OF THE GODDAMN ALPHABET MAILING LISTS, THANKS. Maybe? Ahhh, whatever.
–T
If I remember right, the unsubscribe button on some questionable newsletters at one time was a way to track to see if an e-mail address was still in use, not to actually unsubscribe you. So if you clicked on it, they knew you were using that e-mail and send you more newsletters. I just set my filter to moderate and spam the rest. Once your e-mail system reads their IP address, you shouldn't get spammed from that same company unless they have multiple addresses Um, but I'm not a techie, I just know it works for me. Also, I make a mean French toast and give adequate orgasms. Oh and hi Nicole's Mom…
you had me at massage by John Mayer…..
I somehow got added to an alumni list for a school I never went to. I emailed them to explain that I never went there and they could not seem to understand why I would want to unsubscribe from their list. It was totally bizarre.
I'll be your bitch woman. You would be amazed at the things I can get done. Plus, I want a pretzel now too. Damn. Plus I was talking to someone about you the other day and I realized how much I miss your gorgeous face.
Hey FYI – the CAN-SPAM Act requires companies to unsubscribe you within 10 days. We have to do this at my work.
You can make a complaint to The Man with all that free time you have.
in other news, miss you face.
My next project is going to be an auto-bomb newsletter tool. As in, real-life explosion at the geo-located point at which those f*cking things are sent from. I might start with the ones that you unsub to and they keep coming – death and carnage at their headquarters.
I feel as if that might be my route to the Nobel Peace Prize, ironically.
i too have recently fallen victim to a shitload of spam. but the good news is that some dude in africa wants to pay me, like, millions of dollars so it's all good.
did your mom say "Hi" back?
just wonderin…
I'm apparently the PERFECT candidate for viagra. They must secretly know I'm a 60 year old man with problems getting it up.
On a completely unrelated note, you have a blog award waiting for you over at my blog. Thanks for being awesome!
If you invent the OnStar personal assistant I'd buy one. maybe two. ____Also, it's been forever since I've stopped over here and it's looking quite fabulous! As are you and those pigtails, I'm sure =)
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