There’s something so old-fashioned about long train trips. Sipping hot chocolate, head resting against the window, watching the landscape change from lakes to farms to trees with sunset-colored leaves, silently, as your mind explores itself in a way that’s only possible when you’re in motion.
It took me 21 hours to get from Chicago to NYC last weekend. 21 hours. And the kind of thinking you can get done in 21 hours of silence is sort of incredible. Time slows down on a trip like that, you don’t have anywhere to go or anywhere to be. It’s no longer about the hours and the minutes. There’s the time before you fell asleep, and the time after. The time before you had the blueberry muffins, and the time after. The time a Swedish backpacker sat next to you, and the time after. You’re just traveling across the country, fading in and out of consciousness, wondering what’s going on in the darkness outside your window, imagining all the people whose everyday lives you’re passing by on the fuzzy edges of your adventure.
Somewhere in the middle of the trip, I started thinking about my life and the passage of time. I let the structure of months and years slip away. I focused on the big moments, the ones that leave you different on the other side.
There was the time before I lived in England, and the time after. There was the time before my parents filed for bankruptcy, and the time after. The time before I got into NYU, and the time after. The time before my mother walked out on my father, and the time after. The time before I was in debt, and the time after. The time before they got back together, and the time after. The time before I knew the power of my sexuality, and the time after. The time before I started blogging, and the time after. The time before I fell desperately in love, and the time after. The time I kept too many secrets, and the time after. The time before my heartbreak, and the time after.
The time before I made that bad decision (and that one, and that one), and the time after. Before I stood up for myself, and after. Before I quit my job to travel, and after. Before she died, and after. Before I made the list, and after.
Before I realized that time moves just as quickly whether you’re living the kind of life you want to live or not, and now.
The big moments. The sign posts on my life path that I can look at over my shoulder, knowing that I wouldn’t be where I am if I had made a right back there instead of a left.
The train ride though, the motion- the lakes and leaves and hot chocolate- it all made me realize that while the big moments are how I keep time in my life, it’s the little moments that make all the difference.
Feeling the first perfectly crisp breeze of the season. Making buttercream frosting and letting my niece lick the spoon. Laughing when he catches me chewing on the wire of my headphones, blushing when he shakes his head and tells me I’m adorable.
Posted in: day to day shenanigans, girl gone nomad
{ 49 comments… read them below or add one }
This is beautiful. (As are you.)
There's definitely something magical about train rides. At the holidays, I took the train home to my family and decided I'm making it an annual thing. That twenty plus hours slows you down a bit and it's so lovely.
Well said. The before and afters of life are quite incredible when looking back. And I so want to take a train ride like that; think it's a wonderful way to see the country.
Nicole, you amaze me more every time you post. I love this. You've got me thinking about the big moments in my life now.
It's odd how the landmarks that dot our lives change how we view things, how time passes, and kicks us into a new phase (whether we want to go in that direction or not). For a while I thought people evolved, slowly growing up, and changing as time passed. But now I think it's those landmarks . . . and it's kind of interesting how time flows around it. Slows down when your world breaks, speeds up when too much happens unexpectedly . . . before and after.
Love love love you.
The time before I found your blog, and the time after.
That was so beautiful Nicole.
This just may be my absolute favorite post of yours (and there are quite a few). I can't even begin to describe how jealous I am of your current nomadic status.
The time before I met you, and the time after.
In all the significance this last year has meant for my life, that is absolutely a sign post moment.
xoxo, pretty
I've always wanted to go on a train ride somewhere…..probably around Europe. I'd want a cabin though, as the regular seats wouldn't cut it. Reading books, napping, talking to strangers…it'd be pretty darn fun.
Loving your posts as always! Hoping NYC is treating you well!
Uh oh.
I might just be obsessed with your writing. And you.
Creepy? I hope not!
I haven't traveled by train in a while, but there is something so magical about it…just like you! Also, your butt hurts a lot by the time you arrive at your destination.
Please tell me you took the lake shore limited line. I did the same thing when I walked away from my job in the middle of the recession to do some exploring. My thought process was the exact same, in respect to revisiting the past. Sounds like we are on similar missions. Take care of yourself out there. Enjoy what you end up finding, I know I have.
I wonder what "the afters" will be in ten years or even twenty. I can barely imagine how amazing my life will be.
I love this post. It really resonates with me.
This is a really beautiful post. (Also, I kind of wanna hear more about this man that calls you adorable..)
Wonderful post, Nicole. Time does fly by, doesn't it…
Sometimes you feel like the voice of our generation
.
Keep putting it in words for those of us who are having trouble.
i loved this in so many ways.
There's the time before I was on my own, and the time after. The time before I threw caution to the wind and flew to California twice in a month and the time after. There's the time before I had my heart crushed and the time after. There's the time before my breakup and the time after. The time before I learned I could stand on my own two feet, and the time after. There's the time before Vegas, and YOU and EVERYONE and 20sb and the time after. There's the time I found where I was always supposed to be and well, RIGHT NOW. I'm so there, right now. I love this, and you.
There is something so lyrical about your writing these days, I'm totally in love with it.
I'm also fascinated with how you're functioning without a home base- I don't know that I can even comprehend how you're able to do it!
I like this post. I like you. I agree with the idea of before-and-after-moments. You know I'm all about those. How can you write this and take the words that I can't write straight out of my head?
I hope you blog forever! I love reading about your adventures. =)
That was one of the best posts ever, and I can imagine, there will be this post, and another one after. brilliant!
love this post. i know i love all of your posts but this one is amazing. i can't imagine that much time to myself to think, such an adventure. love this.
I am so envious of this opportunity you had. It sounds AMAZING and honestly something I wish I had in me to just do. Quit the job and go. Sigh. Time is a funny concept, though. I've never really thought about occurences as the time before and after. But that's life – you lead into something and you lead out of it. And the world keeps spinning. Strange.
Why don't you blog about something actually interesting and not incredibly generic. Hot boys? Travelling? Do you think you're the first person to travel anywhere and think their 'journey' is significant enough to write on.
As for your readers, they should get some real interests as well.
This is exactly what's wrong with 20somethings (my peers); too many of them can't seem to get past 14. "ME! BOYS! ME!"
Understand that one doesn't progress from teenager to 20-something to adult. Being in your 20s is being an adult and though you may be struggling to get up on your own feet, you're still an adult, not something between a sorority girl and a grownup.
I may sound like an asshole now, but you'll get over yourself in a few years and understand.
And as far as your writing goes, you should read some books that can't be classified as chicklit and do your best to ditch this AIM Profile rhetoric.
Man, you make traveling by train sound rather glamourous. I've never been on a train for more than 90 minutes and in that time I wound up laughing hysterically over many a silly things but never got much further into my life/psyche. SO wish I was traveling with you.
I adore your style of writing. It makes me giggle, makes me think, and makes me kind of want to be a wandering vagabond who sells all they own and travels the world. Um, stop tempting me, lady. STOP IT.
Heehee.
Aaaanyway, this entry made me smile – and I think it's truly important to soak up all those tiny moments in life, and also take a look at the big picture…every little thing that has brought you to where you are today. It's wonderful to see someone who has figured out how to truly appreciate every step.
You just know that asshole up there has no idea what you've accomplished before 25, or really anything else about you other than the small glimpse this entry provides. Continue preaching though, asshole. We welcome your funnies.
I love how you talked about "the time after"… there is always what was, what is, and what came after it all. How did you change or grow? There's a nostalgia for how it was before, but that's not reality. Anyway, I liked this entry.
In response to 'The Jerk' who wrote, "I may sound like an asshole now, but you'll get over yourself in a few years and understand."
Umm… so basically he was just like us as a twenty-something. Yeah, that's what I thought.
Rock on, Nicole, you're awesome just the way you are!
I love seeing you more serious and completely caught up in a pretty profound thought process this way. It's kind of beautiful.
@Jerk
Look, dude.
Nicole may be writing about herself a lot, but the amazing thing about her is that she is AUTHENTIC. I don't have to worry about a 'holier than thou' attitude from her, or her spouting stuck up advice that screams 'I have no idea what I'm talking about, but you all should listen to me'. She's actually living up to what she says, telling real life stories, and sharing in the community around her. She gives me hope for my life in that it's nice to know someone has just as a life that's a ridiculous, beautiful, and messy as mine. She's got the balls to take the plunge and seek adventure, which makes her a better person than I. I as a human being need to hear about people who are just like me who are doing amazing things by taking the risk.
If I'm just another annoying 20-something for valuing all those things, then fine. I'd rather be that then "grown up" like you.
She's encouraging to all of us who read, and if you don't like it, then fine. No one is making you read this. And you don't have to be a snit about it.
kthnxbai
I thought I'd be happy if I checked back here. First, I'm 24. Second, I lived abroad for 17 months and travelled extensively through China, Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia and Thailand. I've been a few other places as well–but I don't like to brag about how enlightened I am because I've been to a few tourist destinations like Machu Picchu or Angkor. Let me tell you, Machu Piccu is busier than Disneyworld, unless your able to get into the park at sunrise before the first buses arrive. I've met plenty of self-proclaimed 'nomads' in at least 5 countries who were completely full of it.
I encourage everyone to travel and seek adventure. But take it at face face value and don't romanticise your train trips. I took like a 30 hour train trip between Guilin and Kunming in China. It's really not a big deal. Maybe a little travel gets ooos and ahhs here because most of us don't even have passports.
There's nothing wrong with being an armchair traveler either, I have been one all my life. But if you're going to do it, do it right. Read Bruce Chatwin, Robert Byron, or Mandelstam if you can get your hands on it. In fact you can find good travel lit all the way back to the British Romantics.
I'd like to commend Nicole for her use of Thesis, but other than that there's really not much I can say that's positive and I'll do everyone a favor and keep away after this final note.
I think I do know what I'm talking about. I'm 24 and I've done a lot of the things on Nicole's list (but not the sex bits.) I'd cross Bali off the list Nicole, it's a shit hole full of drunks and Indonesians looking to scam you. I spent a night in my cab driver's house and took right off for the Gili Islands the next day. I didn't even see Kuta Beach. Unless your planning on heading to the more rural parts of the island I guess. And I do have a (new) blog and I think I'm pretty literate and an OK writer. I'm not going to put the address here as none of you would be interested anyways. I review plays and (mostly) classical music, i.e. I don't talk about bullshit. Instead, I do my best to encourage other young people to pursue all the great and cheap culture a city can provide. I think this is important. I think critically engaging with music, theater, movies, public lectures, etc are important too. What I do not think is important is talking about a girl I picked up or a train trip.
"I'm 24 and I've done a lot of the things on Nicole's list (but not the sex bits.)"
haven't done "the sex bits"? so surprising, jerk! since you seem like you'd be a pleasure to be around! and have lots of lovers in all kinds of exotic places since you're so well-traveled!!
oh i also loved this, you "review plays and (mostly) classical music" — and that makes you important and not "talk about bullshit"? you're so right because we really NEED people to review plays and music in our society!! in fact i was just thinking this morning, you know what would really make this world a better place? more music and play reviews! yeahh!! THANK GOD you're filling that critical void. phew. oh and on that note, hey jerk, i'm a teacher in the inner city, making an actual impact on human lives each day, NOW WHO'S MORE IMPORTANT BITCH?!!
but oh wait.. it doesn't really matter jerk, because we all pick our own life path and should not be comparing ourselves or thinking we're better than someone because of a choice we've made. that is the sign of a truly insecure person, someone who seeks out another stranger on the internet to put down in order to build themselves back up. i'm seriously laughing at all your comments and also feeling kind of bad for you, jerk. nicole (who i know in real life by the way) did not advertise her blog as the most profound and important thought on the internet. it's her personal blog. get over yourself.
oh, and "Let me tell you, Machu Piccu is busier than Disneyworld, unless your able to get into the park…" — you used the wrong "your."
i really liked this, it made me well up!
Dear "Jerk",
I'm impressed. In all your travels and experiences, you still failed to pick up any sort of humility or tact. That's unfortunate, really.
love,
wishcake
@ "Jerk,"
Want a cookie? You're SO special. Look at all the cool stuff YOU do, but don't brag about. Check out all the traveling you've done, look at all those countries you've been to! Oh wait. You're not, you did, and no one cares.
Talk about someone being 'full of it.' At least Nicole's genuine. You have no idea what's led her to this point and where her heart is. And that's sad for you, because everything she's doing, everywhere she's going is because she wants to connect with people and make a difference everywhere she goes, not "get enlightened" or brag about it. Your assumptions are so way off, and it's frustrating to watch you be an asshat to one of the most important people in my life, and one of the most authentic people I've ever known.
Here's hoping your next trips "enlighten" you to some of that humility and tact wishcake was talking about.
I think Jerk needs to get his own blog and stop trying so hard.
Who's with me.
We all know that Jerk is really just some poor self-loathing person who can only feel better about his/her own pathetic life by putting down a complete stranger's.
It's sad, really.
chelsea – very true that jerk doesn't even deserve a response. but honestly? it's kinda fun. probably because there's so many people in my real life that i'd like to say YOU ARE RIDICULOUS AND HYPOCRITICAL AND DUMB to. but i can't. so i do it virtually to random irritating stranger. and damn it feels good. i kind of want him to write again for more entertainment. i have issues.
@carly – i love your issues.
@jerk – write again, that was fun. my mother enjoys plays and classical music, and she’s a cold-hearted worm like yourself.
…coincidence?
@nicole – I could use a loooong train ride right about now. it’s a nice chunk of time to simply reflect on ones wonderful adventure that is life.
Beautiful. Profound, in all honesty.
I have always wanted to do an extended train trip like that. One day, when my kids unshackle me from their person I may just get that chance.
As the very first post I've read on your blog (thanks for linking to it on your sidebar!), I am officially hooked. You are wonderful!
Nicole,your blog made me think of my upcoming trainride. I'm about to catch a train from New York to Miami and its going to be 27 hours long. I think I'm going to be doing same things as you..:)